No Feeties, Please

We found these in Target. In the men's section, not the boys.  The more I think about it, the more I wonder.  What exactly is the target market for this particular outfit?  Men with unfulfilled superhero fantasies?  Women with unfulfilled superhero fantasies about their husbands?  Large children with unfulfilled superhero fantasies about their parents? 

Are these jammies?  They totally look like jammies.  Except that there's no feet on them.

I know that people seem to love footie pajamas.  For some, the warmth of wearing jammies with feet brings to mind childhood winters spent curled in front of the television after a day spent outside in the snow.  Those people would not be me.

I like my feet bare, thank you.

It's not that my feet are particularly gorgeous.  My ankles are covered in petichia, a vestige of my blood pressure. I have two toes longer than my big toe, which I'm told means that I'm bossy.  I've got a hammer toe that I've named MC, because it amuses me.  I'm not in line for America's Top Foot Model, by any stretch.  My feet are well worn, because they are on duty most of the day, and for several trip during the night.  But I like them bare, just the same. I am more comfortable that way.

When I was a kid, I was barefoot most of the summer, just like most kids at the time. Playing in the backyard, playing on the playground, walking to the local pool, all in my bare feet. It didn't matter how hot the asphalt was--my feet seemed immune to the searing pain that others felt.   In the winter time, I was usually barefoot inside the house. I would have been barefoot outside the house, but my mother had a fit, and you know what that means.  Shoes and socks.  The second I got home, however, the offending items were pulled off, because my toes were sweaty.  Nobody likes sweaty toes!

These days, I wear shoes that are open toed, even in the middle of winter.  If you ever see me wearing socks, it's because my feet are finally a color of blue that I have to address.  But the socks are on only as long as it takes for my feet to warm up, and then they are off.  I'm a hit at staff meetings for that very reason.  On the coldest nights, I will be completely covered...except for my feet. If my feet are hot, I can't sleep, it is just too uncomfortable.

I can't be the only weirdo out there with hot feet.  Or can I?  Feet are not usually topics one can bring up randomly in conversation, so I don't really know. All I know is that my feet are bare and I like it that way.

Colder Than Space

I get cold sometimes.

It usually happens at night. I'll wake up and it will hit me almost like a seizure.

Have you ever been so cold that if you moved at all, you would break out in a shivering so severe that it would post as a seismic event? Have you ever shivered so hard that you couldn't even move to get under the covers? Have you ever felt as though every single muscle in your body contracted all at once, so hard that it makes your head hurt?

I get cold like that. It really feels like my core temperature has dropped; my chest feels encased in ice. If I manage to get a little warm, the shivering just goes nuts, to wear I am surprised that I haven't broken all of my teeth with chattering.

My husband doesn't understand. He wouldn't. He's the guy who wore shorts and a t-shirt to visit a glacier. He's doesn't even own a coat! Is there some kind of rule that says that cold-natured people have to marry warm-natured ones? I admit that when I am locked in my little cell of Antarctic cold, I have called him some names. At that moment, he has what I want, which is warmth. I may be forgiven for thinking mean thoughts about someone who is nice and toasty in those moments, especially since I am so frozen that I can't even move close enough to take advantage of that warmth.

I am no stranger to cold weather. I've lived in the North. I've been camping in Norway, Denmark, and Sweden. I've shoveled snow, and I've tried to push my car through the snow. I know how to dress warmly, with the mittens and the long underwear.

But this is South Texas. Even in a "harsh" winter, it rarely gets below freezing. Even if the temperature falls that low, it's only for a day or two. It may be said that I have lost my winterizing abilities over the years. This presents me with a dilemma.

I don't want to wear a coat or sweater all the time, because most of the time I am not cold at all. If I wear flannel jammies*, and get under the covers, then I am SWELTERING, and that's no good. I've tried having a robe or blanket at the foot of the bed, but often I am too rigid to get it.

How do I prepare for spontaneous moments of freezitude, then?

What I need is some sort of science-fiction pajamas. These jammies need to be comfortable, but they need to be able to monitor body temperature. They need to be able to warm up if I get cold, or chill a little if I get too hot. These jammies could monitor my heart rate and all my other vital signs while I am asleep. Someone out there could monitor this information, and send the information to my doctor.

I'm describing the suit that astronauts wear into space, I just realized.

Dang. Those suits are way out of my price range!

It's just as well. I don't think that I could sleep with that helmet thing on.




*I just like the word 'jammies'. It's a comforting sort of word.