Sunday, September 16, 2018

Chocolate is Educational

I usually have two pieces of Dove chocolate each day after my lunch, to balance out whatever healthy item I just ate.  I like the taste of milk chocolate, and Dove is particularly creamy and smooth.  I also like to read the little message inside each wrapper.  Sometimes the advice is humorous, such as when my chocolate tells me to take a walk on the wild side(my wild side is in bed by 9pm).  Occasionally the message seems tailor made for me, such as every time I open the wrapper and see the words "Take a nap." (They frown upon naps at work, but I have a couch, and it's very comfy and tempting!) It's like a little note in my lunch from the Cosmos instead of my mom, except my mom wouldn't ever send me chocolate in my lunch because she was watching my weight.

But the message today, well, it was downright interesting. Be more loquacious.  I always give mental bonus points when I read or hear a word that is not typically used in every day conversation.  Blame all of my English teachers over the years who gave extra credit for using vocabulary words correctly in a sentence. I love the word loquacious.  It is a sassy word, filling your mouth and rolling off the tongue.  It sounds smart, and just a little bit irreverent at the same time. 

A secret joke that nobody else gets, a message just for you.  Or a good joke between best friends sitting at a table in a cafe, causing one friend to roll their eyes while the other leans closer, giggling. 

But then Dove went just a little further.  They encourage the reader to learn a new word, to add it to their vocabulary.   Because loquacious is not an ordinary word.  It is an extraordinary word, full of possibilities.  I like that.  What I might possibly be loquacious about today?

Chocolate, probably. 

Thursday, August 30, 2018

I Had To Be Pretentious.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am an impulse buyer.  This is mostly because I hate waiting in line, and I will do most anything to distract myself, including throwing items that I don't really need into the basket.  Sometimes I just amuse myself by reading the label, or the expiration date, or the happy little hooks on the package that make you want to purchase the item.

This is Diamond Water.  Diamond Water is an alkaline water that is currently all the rage for some strange, archaic explanation having to do with magnets or chakras. It is bottled in a secret grotto where all the cool angelic beings have timeshares, judging by the package.  The top of the bottle is shaped like a 40-Carat round stone that would make Eva Gabor jealous.  It is a nice looking bottle, I have to admit. I was intrigued.

Further perusing the package, I found that Diamond Water is processed via reverse osmosis.  That gave me pause.  There are tons of much cheaper waters out there which use reverse osmosis. It's a pretty consistent theme in the water business.  But I thought that reverse osmosis was a bit plebian for such a fancy water in such a fancy package.  So what makes this particular waster special?

According to the back of the bottle, all Diamond Water is passed through seven dimensions of the Heavenly Hosts.  Just kidding! That's is not what happens.  To give Diamond Water it's claim to fame, the makers of said product walk around their factory carrying a diamond, which is used to provide "light and energy".  The water is basically blessed by the presence of a diamond. You indeed read that correctly.

My brain had questions, of course.  Questions such as whether this particular 'chic' water had any particular powers to off us.  Could it cure cancer and other illnesses?  Can we cook two roasts at the same time? Does drinking this water make more pretentious that the top 1%?  Probably not, but WHAT IF!  Could I actually become a pretentious windbag?  Would that lead to fame and fortune, or cankles?

I purchased a bottle, because it was ON SALE.  ON SALE is the universal lure for an impulse buyer like me.  I had to have it. Just one bottle

Enquiring minds want to know.  I sat down in my car, holding the bottle. Did I feel pretentious and superior to my fellow man?  Was I about to turn into Thurston Howell the III?  Who knew?  The anticipation was high.

I opened the bottle, raised it to my lips.  I drank a huge gulp.  It tasted like...water. I burped loudly  I assumed that that's what the rich people do when they drink pretentious  water.  However, I was disappointed. At no time while drinking Diamond Water did I feel particularly pretentious, or superior.  I felt  Only rehydrated. 

That counts, right?

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Once A Year, Do This

There are quite a few things that happen to a person when you get older. You start to care about health issues that you never were interested in before you hit that magic half century.  I didn't used to care about skin cancer, for example.  Look at my pasty white skin that can be seen from space--do I look like I spend much time outside? I didn't care about breast cancer at one point, either, and look how that turned out.   
Following in the intrepid footsteps of the wonderful and heroic Andrea "I Wear A Cape On Tuesdays" over at Maybe It's Just Me, I made an appointment for a yearly skin check.  I then promptly forgot about said appointment, despite all the reminder text messages and emails my dermatologist sent to me. I did show up for the appointment, but it was on the wrong day.  My brain was embarrassed, but I rescheduled my appointment for yesterday, wrote it down on several pieces of paper, and set a reminder on my phone.  That did the trick. 

My dermatologist is younger than me, to put it mildly.  In spite of his best efforts in the form of a beard and long hair, he looks like he just graduated from high school.  Or Eric Stolz, if Eric Stolz decided to pursue a career in dermatology.  But I like my doctor.  He doesn't lecture me about things that happened many moons ago that I cannot go back and change.  He is in a Facebook group with Dr. Pimple Popper of YouTube fame. I can only watch those videos, and her TLC show, when my husband and son are not around, because they do not have strong stomachs.  Being able to have an actual conversation about the show with my dermatologist was pretty cool. 

The good doctor removed a bump on my nose that had been bothering me for some time, and cut out another spot on my back which was suspicious to me. He told me that he really didn't think that there was anything to worry about, but that they would call me in about a week with the results. Other than that, he was pretty satisfied with my skin care thus far.  He gave me a brief lecture on what I needed to look for to catch melanoma, gave me a sample of sunscreen, and sent me on my way.  Until next year, anyway.

Now it is your turn.  Take care, pay attention to your skin, and go see the dermatologist once a year.