Monday, February 1, 2016

Pre-Surgery Jitters

I am an anxious kind of person.  Over the course of an average day, I worry over hundreds of ultimately meaningless things.  Is my shirt on right or is it inside out?  Do my shoes match?  Did I remember my lunch?  What if there's a fire drill and it's raining and I forget my umbrella in my office? Such things run in the background of my head all the time, and I've learned to ignore most of the commentary.

And then I got cancer.  It seemed as though the litany of stuff to worry about had had the volume turned up to 11 in my brain.  Even after all the radiation and chemotherapy, even after the last PET scan indicated that I was cancer free, it continued, and it's been more difficult to tune out.  For example, I am getting rheumatoid arthritis in the fingers of my hand.  Typical of people my age, that things like joints start to deteriorate. Not a big deal.  Yet when I noticed that the index finger on my left hand was swollen, my instinctive reaction was to think it was cancer.  It took me two days to talk myself from the ledge of that particular cognitive process.

I don't say these things out loud, I just turn them over in my head until I can fashion some sense from them.  There's just been so much emotional turmoil over the past two years that my anxiety level has just not been prepared for.  I hope that everything calms down soon, because I'm starting to get annoyed with myself.   

In the meantime, while you read this, I'm going to be in surgery having another mastectomy and breast reconstruction.  I am very nervous about what is going to happen and how things are going to be once I wake up.  You would think that I would be used to surgeries by now.  You would be wrong.

Every time, I am terrified.  And yet, that's the path I have chosen.  Why?  To get healthy.  For that little boy that lives with me, who is counting on me to be around for awhile.  For my husband, who is my rock.  For lots of reasons, even for myself.  If I focus on that, maybe I won't be so scared.

Keep sending positive thoughts, and I'll be back when I can.  

Friday, January 29, 2016

100 Word Challenge: All About Perpective

She closely monitored the other girls and imitated their behavior with careful precision. No matter what she said or did, her classmate's voices murmured at her back like an icy cold wind, until her shoulders hunched with pain.

Where ever Callie went, the whispers followed her.

Weird, peculiar, strange, freakish...  

She could have let those voices linger after high school, shriveling her away to nothing.  Instead, Callie left town for the big city, where her particular peculiarities were discovered by an talent agency.  There were new whispers, murmuring over the surface of her skin.

Extraordinary, exceptional, remarkable...

She was invincible.

Tara over at Thin Spiral Notebook has taken over the 100 Word Challenge!  Go visit! 

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Thursday, January 28, 2016

My Blog Is A First Grader

I realized a few weeks ago that I've been blogging for six years. It's my anniversary! Woo hoo!  *opens champagne*  I can't actually drink any alcohol for the next month or so, but it's not very dramatic to raise a glass of water for a toast.

When I started blogging six years ago, it was a way for me to write about my son, so I could remember things he did over the years.  Then I remembered how much I loved writing, and blogging became a way for me to be creative.  But my blog has become a bit more to me.

Ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my blog has taken on a a bit of a therapeutic bent.  I've wanted to share my story, partly out of a need to let others going through cancer know that they are not alone, and partly to keep my own spirits up.  A blog is not a journal, and having to focus my thoughts into cohesive sentences for an audience has helped push my writing forward at a time when I might have otherwise fallen into a deep funk.  That's been an awesome side effect of having a blog.

It's sort of like my blog was my other "baby", and I've watched it grow from an infant to a healthy six year old, ready to head off to first grade.  Only this particular first grader doesn't need any vaccines and didn't have to go through potty training. 

It's been an interesting six years of growing and expanding and learning for me.  My reason for starting my blog is now eight.  I blinked and now, he is reading over my shoulder while I write.  He's also started critiquing my blog offerings, which I'm not too sure that I like. I suppose that it is only fair, since he features prominently.  He'll be a surly teenager before I know it!