Sunday, October 14, 2018

Forget the Honey, Bring the Laughter

At my old job, I was considered the technology guru in my department, because I was the only one who knew how to turn the laptops on.  I wish that I was kidding.  I had administrator privileges for my laptop, and everyone else's, because there was always someone 'breaking' something.  I was the 'fixer' for my department.  I would say that it was unbelievable what people would do to their computers in the span of their workday, but we've all read about the dude using his CD drive for a coffee mug holder.   I ended up doing a lot of hand holding.  One of my coworkers hit the 'esc' key so often that it popped right off, and I had to explain to her that that particular trick was not going to get anyone out of any meeting, ever, and we had a good cry.  I found myself sending out snippy emails to my coworkers about  "LAPTOPS ARE NOT ETCH-A-SKETCHES!"  Since I did not really want to be a technology department person, it got old, fast. 

The technology department where I work now is a vast network of randomly seen people who work tirelessly from their underground lair to make sure that our networks are up and running 24/7.  Hundreds of people that I never see are taking care of my computer needs, and it is wonderful.  Everything computer related has run like a dream for me, for the most part.  And when it doesn't, I a work order.  My work orders are written to make these techs smile.   I want to stand out. I mean, all they probably hear all day is complaining!  Nobody likes to deal with that.

So I go for the funny. For example: 

Java keeps saying that it needs to update, but it does not update. It is a sad tale.  Not "Han Solo dies" sad, but more "Jar Jar Binks exists" sad.  Is there something I can do for this? 

Or this one:  
My internet connection in my office keeps fading in and out.  I have tried restarting, using a cord, and begging.  Nothing has worked.  Most of the work I do is in an online format, and I have lost a report today.  It took me three tries to send this request! Needless to say, I am very frustrated, and have eaten all of the chocolate I keep in my office for emergencies. I am about to sacrifice a live chicken. Please help!
I could complain loudly.  I could call the technology department every name in the book and demand that they rush over and take care of me.  But as they say, you catch more flies with funny than whining.   I love those men and women who take care of my technology and keep the Skynet plans out of circulation. After I hit send, I step out of my office for some coffee or to find a teacher.  Someone comes and fixes everything, like those mysterious elves who like to make shoes.   

I wish I could find those guys.  

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Chocolate is Educational

I usually have two pieces of Dove chocolate each day after my lunch, to balance out whatever healthy item I just ate.  I like the taste of milk chocolate, and Dove is particularly creamy and smooth.  I also like to read the little message inside each wrapper.  Sometimes the advice is humorous, such as when my chocolate tells me to take a walk on the wild side(my wild side is in bed by 9pm).  Occasionally the message seems tailor made for me, such as every time I open the wrapper and see the words "Take a nap." (They frown upon naps at work, but I have a couch, and it's very comfy and tempting!) It's like a little note in my lunch from the Cosmos instead of my mom, except my mom wouldn't ever send me chocolate in my lunch because she was watching my weight.

But the message today, well, it was downright interesting. Be more loquacious.  I always give mental bonus points when I read or hear a word that is not typically used in every day conversation.  Blame all of my English teachers over the years who gave extra credit for using vocabulary words correctly in a sentence. I love the word loquacious.  It is a sassy word, filling your mouth and rolling off the tongue.  It sounds smart, and just a little bit irreverent at the same time. 

A secret joke that nobody else gets, a message just for you.  Or a good joke between best friends sitting at a table in a cafe, causing one friend to roll their eyes while the other leans closer, giggling. 

But then Dove went just a little further.  They encourage the reader to learn a new word, to add it to their vocabulary.   Because loquacious is not an ordinary word.  It is an extraordinary word, full of possibilities.  I like that.  What I might possibly be loquacious about today?

Chocolate, probably. 

Thursday, August 30, 2018

I Had To Be Pretentious.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am an impulse buyer.  This is mostly because I hate waiting in line, and I will do most anything to distract myself, including throwing items that I don't really need into the basket.  Sometimes I just amuse myself by reading the label, or the expiration date, or the happy little hooks on the package that make you want to purchase the item.

This is Diamond Water.  Diamond Water is an alkaline water that is currently all the rage for some strange, archaic explanation having to do with magnets or chakras. It is bottled in a secret grotto where all the cool angelic beings have timeshares, judging by the package.  The top of the bottle is shaped like a 40-Carat round stone that would make Eva Gabor jealous.  It is a nice looking bottle, I have to admit. I was intrigued.

Further perusing the package, I found that Diamond Water is processed via reverse osmosis.  That gave me pause.  There are tons of much cheaper waters out there which use reverse osmosis. It's a pretty consistent theme in the water business.  But I thought that reverse osmosis was a bit plebian for such a fancy water in such a fancy package.  So what makes this particular waster special?

According to the back of the bottle, all Diamond Water is passed through seven dimensions of the Heavenly Hosts.  Just kidding! That's is not what happens.  To give Diamond Water it's claim to fame, the makers of said product walk around their factory carrying a diamond, which is used to provide "light and energy".  The water is basically blessed by the presence of a diamond. You indeed read that correctly.

My brain had questions, of course.  Questions such as whether this particular 'chic' water had any particular powers to off us.  Could it cure cancer and other illnesses?  Can we cook two roasts at the same time? Does drinking this water make more pretentious that the top 1%?  Probably not, but WHAT IF!  Could I actually become a pretentious windbag?  Would that lead to fame and fortune, or cankles?

I purchased a bottle, because it was ON SALE.  ON SALE is the universal lure for an impulse buyer like me.  I had to have it. Just one bottle

Enquiring minds want to know.  I sat down in my car, holding the bottle. Did I feel pretentious and superior to my fellow man?  Was I about to turn into Thurston Howell the III?  Who knew?  The anticipation was high.

I opened the bottle, raised it to my lips.  I drank a huge gulp.  It tasted like...water. I burped loudly  I assumed that that's what the rich people do when they drink pretentious  water.  However, I was disappointed. At no time while drinking Diamond Water did I feel particularly pretentious, or superior.  I felt  Only rehydrated. 

That counts, right?