Monday, June 4, 2012

The A-List: People You Meet On the River

New Braunfels, Texas was blessed with not one, but TWO rivers.  There's the Comal River, which is relatively calm and is the shortest navigable river in the state of Texas.  The entire Comal River exists within the city limits of New Braunfels, as a matter of fact.  The second river is the Guadalupe River, which starts far upstream and ends up in the Gulf of Mexico.  

Now that it is summer, everyone flocks to the rivers.  I love to people watch.  It's a perfect match.    Most river visitors are tourists, and many are there to tube down the river.  (Tubing involves sitting in an inner tube and floating down the river.)  Over the years, I have noticed some trends in the kinds of people who show up on the river frequently.

1.  Outdoor enthusiasts.  Fishermen, nature lovers, etc., flock to the rivers because they can indulge in their favorite outdoor activity.  Colorful kayaks and canoes dot the riverscape.  Bird watchers look for woodpeckers in the large trees beside the rivers. Fishermen compete with turtles for the catch of the day.  It's fun to watch.

2.  Families.  The river is a great place to bring kids and life vests, and tubing is a great activity for the whole family.  Mom and Dad can connect their tubes with their offspring, or let them float off on their own, depending on their age.  While most kids do not want to sit still for five minutes to watch a movie, there's just enough action on an inner tube floating along to keep them occupied.   Just tell them that there are snakes in the river; that way, they won't stray too far.

3.  Large people in spandex. I know, the very idea is horrible to contemplate, but we are a nation of fatties, and we need to get used to that.  I myself am rather potato-shaped.  However, being large is no excuse for putting on a swimsuit that you last wore when you were six sizes smaller.  Nobody wants to see that.  On second thought, keep wearing the spandex.  People will lose their appetites and slim down as a result.  Obesity problem solved!

4.  Girls who are looking for any excuse to remove their tops.   No matter how much time has passed since my giddy college years, I remain amazed at the number of 'drunk' women who remove their bathing suit tops while floating.  I say 'drunk', because I've become cynical and am pretty sure that most of these women aren't the least bit intoxicated.  There can't possibly be that many women out there with such horrible self-esteem issues that they must flash what they consider to be their best attributes, while excusing it as alcohol-related behavior.   That would destroy my faith in humanity.

5.  Boys dying to see a drunk girl remove her top.  I have decided that this must be some sort of annual rite of passage, this need to see a half-naked girl on an inner tube.  Remember that scene in the movie Sixteen Candles, where all the 'geeks' were shown Molly Ringwald's underpants?   All these young men gathering on the river reminds me of that. When a girl removes her top, it is as if all male eyes rivet toward her, even if she is around the bend of the river.  If Osama had been dressed as a young co-ed and took off his top, we'd have found him a whole lot sooner! Do you have a river near you? If so, what sort of people do you see?


  1. OH! I love to tube... nothing like a lazy river!

    And I've got great boobs with and a bulging belly to match. If I took my top off for the boys.... they'd poke their eyes out with a spoon. And restore the river to it's natural balance of family and fun. :)

  2. haha i do remember that part of sixteen candles!

  3. Hahaha! Sounds just like an Aussie beach!!!


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