Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mother's Day

I get kind of depressed on Mother's Day.  And tearful.  I can't even watch television because there might be a car commercial that just gets me bawling.  I used to think it was because I wasn't a mom, particularly after I miscarried Zoe in 2003.  Now I AM a mom, in fact, instead of just in my dreams.  But I'm still getting all teary, just sitting here thinking about it.  Geez.  I hate to cry.  I especially hate to cry in front of people.  I don't know why.  My family is so very NOT about crying, or showing emotions of any kind, and that may be why.  Maybe I held back my tears so much that there's some sort of overflow.  Maybe it's hormonal, and there's no particular reason other than a chemical one. I don't know.   But these days it seems like I'll just all of a sudden start crying for absolutely no reason, and then I want to just bang my head into the nearest wall. 

There's a perception that if you are crying that you are a hysterical female and not someone you can count on.   Nobody likes to deal with criers, including me.  People will stop telling you stuff.  Men will think you're weak or someone who can't be trusted to make hard decisions.  Whatever.  I know myself, and I know that just because I am crying doesn't mean I can't smack the crap out of somebody.   The crying will just make the person I smacked feel sorry for me. 

Anyway, this is my second 'real' Mother's Day.  This year, since Zane is in daycare, I got a little box of Hershey's kisses and a card that my boy scribbled on himself.  Hopefully, I will also get a kiss from my little one, but Zane is a boy on the go, and he may be too busy to stop for a kiss until he's sleepy.   Boys are like that. 

Tomorrow I would love to sleep late, wake up to breakfast(bacon and eggs with toast and coffee) in bed, take Zane to see his cousin Tristan play soccer, be able to relax a little with a massage and  a pedicure, and end the day with a nice dinner with my extended family.  What is probably actually going to happen is this:  Zane will be up at 4:30am and I will have to get up with him because it is "my turn".  Nobody will make me breakfast, so I will make it myself, and then I will eat it cold because Zane will have some minor emergency happen right when I sit down to eat.  I won't be able to go to see Tristan play because there will be some other minor emergency happening right about the time I want to leave, which may or may not include Zane falling asleep.  And since nobody has said a word about what we are doing after Tristan's game, we probably won't do anything and I'll be eating lukewarm pizza with Zane for dinner.  All in all, a typical every day when you are a Mom. 

Reality and fantasy don't have much in common, do they?  :-)

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