How To Be A Superhero On A Budget

In the comics, and in the movies, most superheroes are loaded.  Batman is positively swimming in buckets of cash.  Iron Man oozes dollar bills out of his pores.  Arrow is loaded.  Even the superheroes who aren't bazillionares, like Flash, and Superman, aren't hurting for cash.  You just generally don't see your garden-variety superhero on the corner, cardboard sign in hand. 

Superheroes need cash to do their jobs.  Those fancy costumes and tools cost an arm and a leg.  The Batman not only has to shell out money for special outfits, he also has to maintain the Bat Cave, Batmobile, Bat Plane, Bat Boat, and whatever other patented Bat vehicle he creates. Those high tech specially designed suits that Iron Man wears are not found on close out at the local Walmart. Superman not only has to keep himself in spandex, he also has to keep himself in those fake glasses he wears to fool Lois Lane.  Even the Flash has to keep himself fed, since his super fast metabolism means that he has to eat more than the entire offensive line of the last Super Bowl winner.

Not all of us have trillions of dollars lying about in a vault, which is really a shame.  That doesn't mean that superhero-dom is not for you, however.  Maybe you won't have all the cool toys, but since most people have no idea what to do with a batarang, anyway, that's probably a good thing.  Anyone can be a superhero, no matter the income.  There's a few decisions that need to be made first.

1.  Cape or No Cape?  One cannot deny that Superman looks pretty awesome in a cape.  And Batman would not be so very mysterious and 'bat-like' without a cape.  A cape can make a person feel...super.  If that piece of material  is all that stands between you and your new career as a superhero, then go for it.  However, after viewing the movie The Incredibles, my feelings on capes underwent an adjustment.  And there are a number of successful superheroes who do not have capes.  A cape would slow the Flash down, for example.  So capes are really a personal decision.

2.  Practice Your Stance   Every superhero has a stance.  It's expected.  It may be a law of the Universe or something. Superman has that hands-on-hips, legs wide apart, cape flowing in the breeze. It's that stance that conveys to the world, "I am mighty!"  A number of other superheroes have adopted a similar stance, but that's certainly no reason not to come up with your own unique way of letting the world know that you...are mighty.

3.  Theme Music  Every time Captain America shows up on the screen, there is soaring music to let you know that he is there to save the day.  Batman usually has some dark score soaring in the background to let you know that he's there, even if he is in one of his secretive moods.  Theme music sets the stage for the hero, and if there's a song that makes a person feel heroic and superhero-ish, then that should be their theme song.  Eye of the Tiger seems to be a favorite, but really, any song will do.  No one has to hear it but you, through your headphones or in your head, if you don't want anyone to know.  If it makes you feel super, it's worthy.

4.  Sidekicks Are Essential  Batman has Alfred, and Robin. Superman has his mom, and a few other insiders. Iron Man has Pepper Potts, and War Machine.  Captain America has the Falcon, and Bucky Barnes.  The Flash has a team of scientists and police officers on his side.  Half of Star City apparently knows that Oliver Queen is the Arrow, but they are all essential to his do-gooder team.  Every superhero needs a helper, and that's a fact.  Heck, just getting into those spandex outfits must take at least two people!  And some good deeds require more than one person to complete them.  Soup kitchens, for example, couldn't exist if only one person was running them. 

5.  Do Some Good Deeds  This is the most essential part of being a superhero.  Batman's life is dedicated to taking back Gotham City from criminals.  Superman is all about truth, justice, and such.  The Flash rushes in to help as many as he can.  Superheroes come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing that they all have in common is the desire to help others in some way.  You don't have to be a superhero for that, you just have to want to help.  It doesn't require super strength to volunteer to read to senior citizens.  Helping out at the local animal shelter doesn't require a special spandex suit.  It just requires YOU.  Giving your time to worthy causes doesn't require any extra equipment or cash, but it will sure help you feel like a superhero. 

You can even wear a cape and have your sidekick follow you around with your iPod speakers blaring your theme song. 

Falling In

image courtesy of robin.elaine (via Flickr Creative Commons)

Write on Edge prompt:  Art students, art thieves and art lovers linger in museum galleries. Jackson Pollock’s pieces are open to interpretation and discussion, so we’d like you to use this photograph to inspire your creative writing for this week. Whether you write about the painting, museums in general, the guards in the corner or something entirely different that was sparked by something in the photo, we look forward to reading your words.



"Let's go over this one more time," the police officer said tiredly.

"I've told you the same story twenty times!"  Melvin's voice sounded shaky; he was exhausted. "At least write it down so you don't have to keep asking!"  He used his hands to scrub his face, rubbing at his five o'clock shadow as if he could erase the stubble with his fingers. Melvin sat glaring at the officer.  He was in no mood to be civil; he wanted to go home to his wife and kids and just forget this damned day ever happened.  He had been sitting in the interrogation room for seven hours straight, ever since they brought him over in the squad car.

"Just tell me again, one more time, and we'll call it a day." The officer, who had been sitting in the cramped, airless room for as long as Melvin, looked as haggard as Melvin felt. 

"All right, Officer Mike." he said, crossing his arms on the table and putting his head down. Then he sat up.  "One more time."

"I got to work, I clocked in. Usually, my post is at the door, manning the metal detector, but the boss, Mr. Gregor, told me to head for the Jackson Pollock exhibit, so that's what I did.  They were expecting big crowds today for the opening of the exhibit.  I don't see what the fuss is, but I ain't dropping a twenty to see them paintings."

Melvin looked over Officer Mike's shoulder, remembering the morning's events.

"The guy looked off to me, you know?  He didn't seem to be part of the regular museum folk.  He seemed surprised that there were other people in the room.  You could tell that he didn't like that at all."

"What did he do?"

"He stood in a corner.  He just stood there, rocking side to side.  It was like he was in some sort of trance.  I thought that he was drunk or stoned, maybe both.  He must have stood there over an hour, until there wasn't anyone else in the room except him and me."

"Then what?"  Officer Mike leaned forward in his seat, even though by now he knew what was coming.

"Then he ran straight at the painting, God as my witness.  He ran right at it, like he was on a collision course."

"Straight at the painting?

"Yeah. I thought he was going to damage the work, so I moved to intercept him.  I was too slow, and he hit the painting."

Melvin rubbed his eyes at the memory, his disbelief undiminished by time.  

"Except then he wasn't there, Officer Mike." His voice quavered with unshed tears.    He hit the painting, but he just kept on going.  Into the painting. Then he was gone."

"What do you mean, gone?"

"I don't know what I mean anymore," Melvin put his head down again. "He was just not there any more."

Stunned, Officer Mike sat  waiting for Melvin to get himself back together, wondering how he could explain this to his chief.

Everyone Needs Superhero Underpants

This is an update of a post I ran in the summer last year.  I'm feeling retro today!


I was conducting my never-ending battle with the laundry yesterday, and as I was pulling items out of the dryer I noticed that my son has Green Lantern underpants.



I did not buy any Green Lantern items for my son--my husband and his mother did that.  Our house, since the movie came out, has been inundated with GL sheets, GL toys, GL towels, GL jammies, GL t-shirts...you get the picture. All of these items have the Ryan Reynolds version of Green Lantern because they are all based on the movie. There are enough pictures of Ryan Reynolds on enough items to qualify us as the home of a stalker. My husband and son are just average fanboys, so it's all good. Looking at those underpants, however, I suddenly realized that my son has been running around with Ryan Reynolds' picture on his little backside.(It sort of looks like Ryan Reynolds to me, anyway)

Do you know how many women would be fighting to have Ryan Reynolds on their backside? Even with my math skills being horrible, that is an extremely high number! So why don't they sell this sort of garment to women? Think how many women would pay a heck of a lot of money to have a picture of their favorite celebrity hunk on their underpants. They may not ever meet George Clooney, but they could 'wear' him out for a night on the town.

Someone might mention the whole "my man won't find those underpants sexy in the least" aspect to this discussion. Fair enough. We all want to wear the sexy underpants that are most likely to flip the passion switch. Remember that scene in Bridget Jones' Diary, where Bridget excuses herself so she can change into her sexy underpants while an unexpected date waits in the other room? Who over thirty hasn't done that at least once in their lives? Nobody wants to face their first time wearing unromantic panties. 

However, what do we usually wear on days that aren't date night? Plain old cotton--whether it's a bikini, a thong, boy short, or briefs. There is not a darn thing wrong with cotton--it's comfortable, and most days cotton underwear doesn't get bunched up, which is a definite bonus. The fact is that most of us live our lives in the underpants that are most comfortable to us, and those are not usually from Victoria's Secret.  Why can't we have pictures of superheroes on our underpants, too?  I know that my day would certainly feel braver knowing I was wearing Batman underpants.  I know that wearing superhero underpants makes my son very happy--I just think that women should get to play, too!

Women are major purchasers of underpants in this country. We do most of the shopping for our families, and that includes unmentionables. If we asked for pictures on our underpants, companies would have to listen. I've seen underpants for women that have writing on them. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch to have a picture instead. And what is wrong with having a picture of Ryan Reynolds*, Han Solo, or Superman on the backside of those underpants?

Not a darn thing.


*Disclaimer: I have no wish to wear underpants with Ryan Reynolds on them. He is merely an example. I promise! And no, you can't have the pair pictured!  Ew.

Superman!

This mini-figure cracks me up.  It's that little curl!  It makes me giggle every time I see it.   (And yes, those are Cheez-its in the background.  Superman likes them, and unless you have kryptonite handy, when Superman tells you to buy Cheez-its, you buy Cheez-its.  The fact that I love them, and tend to eat an entire box during the random movie-of-the-week, is irrelevant. Really.)  I love that Lego is going to be releasing all these DC Universe mini-figures.  I really am fascinated with all of the Lego mini-figures, and not just because I can actually put them together by myself.  But I've enjoyed the trip down memory lane as I play--er, hand the superhero mini-figures to my son.

Of course, we all know that I am not a Superman fangirl.  I am all about the Bat.  Superman was always way too goody-goody for me.  He ate his veggies and drank his milk and was never late with his homework.  Superman was smart, but sort of gullible.  Yeah, I said it.  Superman would always believe Lex Luthor.   Superman trusted people to do the right thing, even when they'd done wrong the last fifty times.  While it is good to hope for the best, at some point Superman should have started basing his decisions on Lex Luthor's past behavior and just left him in prison.  Batman would have just let Lex rot in his cell, and not helped him get out of prison repeatedly just so the writers could have another storyline.  That's one reason why Batman is my favorite.

But I still love that little curl!   And I'm not saying that because I'm hopped up on Cheez-its. 

Sometimes We Need to Carry Our Super Friends With Us

Zane is very interested in dressing himself now, and we are willing to let him do this, within reason. The other night Zane was undressing to get into the bathtub. I poured some Mr. Bubble under the running faucet and turned around.

Zane was having trouble with his underpants. He was having trouble because he was wearing four pairs of underpants. Captain America, Spiderman, Superman, and the Hulk were all present and accounted for. I helped Zane get those superheroes off, and then Zane was able to get into the tub.

I guess that Zane was expecting some challenges to appear in his day. In anticipation of these challenges, my son brought along his heroes as reinforcements. He probably felt very prepared for whatever came his way.
I am a bit jealous. I want to have some superhero underpants that I can wear on tough days.

My Son and the No Pants Rule

Zane likes to watch movies/tv shows about superheroes, just like his parents. We have mostly looked for movies/shows like the Justice League, since animated stuff is mostly benign. This week Zane has been watching The Incredible Hulk as his featured DVD. So after we sat with Zane through the entire movie, he wanted to re-watch the fight scenes with the Abomination, which is Tim Roth's character. So the next day, we did. Zane was very concerned about this character, and it took me awhile to figure out what he was talking about. It turns out that Zane was not scared of the character, which is what we originally thought. My son was upset because the Abomination...was not wearing pants. I made a very serious effort to keep a straight face at this point in the conversation.

Zane decided at some point(how, I have no clue) that it is vital for all superheroes and their nemeses to be clothed in some manner. And when I thought about it, all the other heroes and villains he's ever seen in movies, animated tv shows, books, etc., were clothed. Even that Martian Manhunter dude put on pants! As far as Zane was concerned, the Abomination being pantsless was a terribly bad thing, and "NOT NICE!" He felt that the Hulk's angry behavior was completely justified, considering that the Abomination was wearing no pants.

Personally, I think that having a rule about wearing pants is a good idea. Most people I know are not comfortable in the presence of someone not wearing pants, and I am not sure that would change if the individual in question was a superhero. So today I learned that my son will likely never intentionally be sans trousers in public if he can help it. That is one less thing that I, as a parent, need to worry about. I am thankful.

Batman Goes Up High...And Does Not Come Back Down

During the funeral services for my father-in-law, my nephews volunteered to take care of Zane. They took him outside to play, and Zane took his Batman with him. Of course, during the play that occurred outside, Batman went over the fence, possibly on purpose. He's got a reputation for being a bit antisocial, after all.

As soon as we came out of the church, Zane informed us that Batman had gone "Up high", we had no idea what the heck he was talking about until about an hour later when the rush of people had gone home. We sent Tristan, as the most agile member of our family, over the fence and he found Batman. Zane was happy. Then, being a teenaged boy, Tristan decided it would be awesome to throw Batman "Up high" once more. Which would have been fine...except Batman landed on the roof of the church. Completely out of reach. Damn.

After the entire family had a good laugh at Tristan(because families do that), we told Zane that Batman had gone to Gotham to save the city. No, that's not what we told him. We said that Batman went bye-bye, picked Zane up, put him in the car, and went home. Zane took the news of Batman's departure well. In fact, he took it better than I did. (I LIKED that Batman! He was adorable.) Zane went home and played with his other superhero figures, but it didn't seem the same to me.

So my husband and I went to every single Walmart and Target on this side of town yesterday. We weren't looking for Black Friday deals. No, we were looking for another Batman. And we finally found one, bought it, brought it home and presented it to Zane. Who acted like he had never seen such a wonderful thing before, and behaved like it was the best present EVER. And I thought about how it was a good thing to be able to look at the world around you like it was the best present EVER. How many people do you know who do that?