Monday, December 9, 2013

Anniversary

Today my daughter would have been ten, had she lived.  Zoe would have been in the fourth grade.  She probably would have had tons of friends, or maybe she would have been happy to be close to a few people, like me.  It's possible that she would have been a voracious reader, like me, delving into the bottom of books for trinkets and treasures. Maybe she would have been an athlete, or more into math. She may have been musically inclined.  I'm sure that she would have adored her baby brother.

Who am I kidding?

I pride myself on my stoicism, my practical nature.  My Germanic heritage dictates that I suck it up and carry on.  In my grief, therefore, I have drawn and painted a rosy picture of a wonderful life that never was.  The reality of what happened to me, and the enormity of my feelings from that day, still overwhelm me, so I have brushed over the pain with a pretty picture.  Maybe that's not the best way to deal with a broken heart, but it got me moving forward, and it still keeps me from crying nonstop on occasion. Today seems like as good a time as any to look underneath what was painted over. Reality may be horrible and tragic, but it needs to be faced with eyes wide open.

The reality is that my daughter would have had many special needs, since it is unheard of for a baby to be born alive at 19 weeks.  She would have had a long road, wrapped up in wires and tubes and monitors while she slept in an incubator for months, years maybe.  It is possible that Zoe might have been blind, or deaf, or both.  Since her lungs weren't fully developed, she would have had difficulty breathing, or would have been susceptible to infections her entire life.  Cognitively, she may not have advanced much further than recognizing familiar faces. Would I have been strong enough to deal with all of that, or would I fall underneath the weight of caring for such a child?  I'd like to think I'd be able to handle a special needs child, but I don't know for sure.  I never got the chance to find out. 

I do know that I would have loved my daughter, no matter what.  So today I mourn.

10 comments:

  1. Much love and many hugs to you <3

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  2. I am speechless, so I will send my kind thoughts to you today.

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    1. I appreciate those thoughts more than you know.

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  3. Hi my friend. My beautiful, amazing friend. I am so sorry for this loss and now as I sit in my own loss (my baby brother is on life support after suffering a massive heart attack on Friday) I feel it even more.

    and because I almost lost the twins at 24 weeks...and because I know your heart. I am trying hard to breathe through this and want to hug you, love on you. Beautifully written, beautifully expressed and Zoe was so lucky to have you as her mom for 19 weeks and then FOREVER. My heart just aches for you...but thank you for sharing this with us, for letting us help you carry it today.

    I love you dear friend. xo

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    1. I love you, too. And I fervently pray that your brother pulls through.

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  4. I'm so sorry for what you never had the chance to know. Sending love and support your way.

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  5. I am so terribly, terribly sorry (((((hugs)))) and much love

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  6. I don't know what to say. I read what you wrote and my heart was broken. That you should experience that kind of loss totally sucks dude. In between Taylor & Sean I was "pregnant" for about 6 wks. Turned out to be empty sack, but still...my body went thru the motions. I know that you will see Zoe again one day. Mom is probably watching over her as we speak. Mom was always good with the little ones.

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