Saturday, November 5, 2011

Sickliness is the Mother of the Internet

I have been sickly for the past two weeks. It's a random virus that I probably got from my child. I only had a fever for the first couple of days, but now it is all upper respiratory crap. It's annoying, but you really can't justify taking a sick day for it.

I sound awful. I have a terrible, horrible, cough right now. Uncontrollable coughing. Cannot take a breath coughing. I've coughed so hard in the last seven days that I may have inadvertently hacked up a lung. Twice. I've coughed so hard that I have actually tinkled a couple of times, which is extremely embarrassing at IEP meetings. The only positive for my embarrassment is that the meetings seem to go a lot faster.

People tell me that I look awful, too. Isn't that just plain cruel, to tell a poor sick person how terrible they look? I think it's downright mean to kick a woman when she is down! I also think that I should be allowed to punch these people, but they tell me that is not appropriate behavior for an adult.

So I go to my doctor and tell him my tale of woe. Dr. C looks in my ears, listens to my heart and lungs, checks my throat. He then sat back, and put his hand on his chin in a thoughtful manner.

I knew exactly what he was going to say. I'd looked it up on WebMd.

"You've got a cough," he told me.

"You. Are. Kidding." I said, between gulps of air. I was too winded to punch him, but it's the thought that counts, right?

I had wanted some drugs to kill the evil virus, but no such luck. I finally just started using my inhaler, and that seems to have calmed down my fits of coughing for right now. I guess it's a good thing that WebMd didn't tell me that I had the Black Plague.

There are TONS of websites devoted to telling people what horrible sorts of diseases that they have. I am not someone who spends hours on the interwebs, poring obsessively over medical sites while thinking that I have some horrid condition that is going to make all my toes fall off. There are people who do this, however. People who read all the side effects of a new medication and suddenly develop all of those symptoms. People who have more doctors on speed dial than relatives or friends just ain't right. Hypochondriacs.

These people drive me insane. I think that they are the reason that medical care is so expensive these days. They take up the doctor's time with fake illnesses so he can't see other patients. They make it impossible for doctors to take someone like me, with my evil cough, seriously. I could be faking that hacked up lung.

I guess that if it weren't for the hypochondriacs, however, the internet would probably never have taken off so quickly. Things online would be nowhere near as fast if all that was on the computer were Plants vs. Zombies and cute kitties. I should be thanking them instead of knocking them.

Except that I need to go cough up the other lung now.


  1. LOL @ ". I was too winded to punch him...but it's the thought that counts, right?"..Yes it is the thought that counts. The dreaded "cough" it sucks! There really isnt much to do about it..believe you me I have tried. It sucks because you just have to wait it out! And stay away from WebMD...that site really does make people think that they have some evil virus and most of the time it turns out be nothing!
    Hope you feel better and "the cough" goes away soon!

  2. This cracked me up because we have been the sickity-sick house and for the first time in my life, I coughed myself to a pair of wet pants. Not once but twice. Which made me laugh which did NOT help the situation. Feel better. And just think, if it weren't for all those fakers, I would never be able to sit here and read about your "real" illness.

  3. We had that same garbage about three weeks ago. Every one of us got it, spiked a fever and got over it except me. I would up sick as a dog for three weeks and after a bout with delirium I finally went on two different antibiotics. I hope you wind up on the upside of this soon and if it lasts more than 10 days go back to that MD and get a Z-pack or something.

  4. I really hate to seem nitpicky, and my lack of mathematic aptitude is well documented, but exactly how many times have you coughed up a lung? Because I count more than two, and if that is the case, then you would clearly be justified in calling out sick.

    Feel better.


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