Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Diaper Hall of Fame

My husband keeps tabs on all the "poopy" diapers that come his way.  When it is his 'turn' to change a diaper and it is an evacuation situation, Larry's acting and facial expressions would make Uncle Miltie envious. There is a surprise sniff, an expression of horror,  usually with  "OMGWhat is THAT?" This is followed by the required peek into the diaper to verify the stench's location. Larry will always pull his shirt up over the his nose and say "Shields, Captain?" in his best Chekov imitation.  Next, Larry has to find at least four packages of wipes and two diapers(the second diaper is the Safety Diaper, just in case there's an accident).    If he thought that it would help him, Larry would gladly put on a hazmat suit and mask.  Especially the mask.    While he is doing this, Zane is moving as far away from Larry as possible, because he thinks it is fun to run away from diaper changes. (What Zane doesn't realize is that his daddy would like to run away from the diaper change as well.)

After cornering Zane, the actual diaper changing can begin, except that Zane begins Evasive Maneuvers, rolling side to side, trying to push away from Larry so he can get up and run.    Holding onto one of his ankles helps.  But with a really stinky diaper, there's usually more effort involved, since we have to hold him while trying to wipe the 'residue' off Zane's bottom while simultaneously keeping the stuff from getting on the carpet or couch or us.  I really don't know how people with more than one baby can handle all this. 

Once the diaper has been opened, there is a good chance that Larry will describe, loudly, what he finds in colorful detail, a habit that I can definitely say runs in his family.   I've had brown, green, red, orange, black and yellow-ish descriptors.  Consistency is also described.  When the diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, then I get a play by play description of where the overflow ended up. And after the diaper has been changed, Larry has a tendency to complain about how horrible that diaper was, and compare it to other horrible diapers Zane has had in the past.  Yes, my husband has a Diaper Hall of Fame, and only the stinkiest get a shot at enshrinement.  This morning was apparently the equivalent of the diaper he changed in January of 2009, which involved colors not found in nature and a stench so insidious that all the windows in the house had to be opened up so the house could be aired out.  Larry concluded that this particular diaper was like the scene in the movie Independence Day when the aliens "let loose" with the destruction. 

Occasionally Zane succeeds in his escape attempts and takes off without a diaper.  I am waiting for this to happen in a public place.  It is likely that we will be featured on the "People of Walmart" website chasing our half naked toddler through the frozen food section.  If this happens I fully intend to use that incident as blackmail when Zane is a teenager.

Hey, parents of teenagers need all the help they can get.

No comments:

Post a Comment

I welcome comments, but reserve the right to correct your spelling because I am OCD about it!