Life At Our House

So my family roots are German, and I've lived in Germany. When I was 8, my dad was transferred to Germany, and we were there for three and a half years. I went to the DOD schools.  I spoke nothing but English the entire time.  My only actual experience with speaking German came my senior year of high school.  If asked, I can recite a line about reading two pages for Biology, but that's about it.  

In my husband's mind, such information as where I lived as a child translates a bit differently.  To him, I must know everything about Deutschland by virtue of my ancestry and childhood. I must know German. I must know all the cities and towns. I certainly must know all of the soccer teams. 

"What does this word mean?" Larry asked one day. "Bundes______Bayern?"

"I don't know,"  I replied. "It sounds like a town in Bavaria."

Not to be dissuaded by a little thing like an 'I don't know',  Larry began to spell the word.

"L-I-B..."

I glared at him.

"If I didn't know it when you said it, why would you think that I would know it when you spelled it?"

"Uhhh..."  

I guess that I should be flattered that he thinks I'm so smart, huh?

A to Z: Marriage

Marriage is hard.

There are tons of great things about marriage, of course.  Love. Sharing. Partnership. Never having to pick up another dead cockroach or live spider ever again. Someone to binge watch Supernatural with.  That stuff is great. 

But don't be fooled for a second by all those romance novels. Before marriage, the blinders about marriage need to come off. Romance novels make it seem as though spouses never fight, that they agree about everything, and that they have sex like rabbits. Don't be fooled by those romantic movies, either, where Richard Gere rides in to save the day and carry off his love.  That sort of romantic stuff may happen during the initial stages of a relationship, but the bloom wears off the rose pretty quickly once the marriage is on the books. 

That's when those bad habits that we developed when we were single show themselves. While you were single, it didn't matter that you left half-full glasses all over your apartment until they grew legs and migrated to the kitchen sink.  When you were single, you could hang out on the couch all weekend without showering, or eat food right out of the container, or order take out every night.

They were bad habits when we were single and lived alone, with nobody to see them.  When displayed around your partner, these habits become downright annoying. Yes, your spouse is the love of your life, and they make you complete, but there are just those moments where they get on your last nerve. There are moments that you would rather die than listen to one more story about which audio system is the most innovative or how many gamers prefer Xbox One to everything else on the planet.

That is part of life, and that is part of marriage.  Marriage is about reciprocity.  You sit and listen to your spouse discuss the finer points of the Marvel universe for hours, not only because it makes him happy, but because there will come a time when you will want to discuss the finer points of crochet, and he will have to reciprocate.  Without reciprocity, a marriage becomes tedious for one of the partners.  One person is giving and giving and giving, and getting nothing in return. That gets old.

Marriage is also about compromise. Neither person gets their way every time, and each person has to give a little. That's how partnerships work. I will listen to some songs I don't like when we are traveling together, and my spouse should be willing to listen to the music that I like.  Compromise.  It's not always easy to compromise, because we think that we are right, whether that is true or not.  Just because it's difficult doesn't mean that we drop everything and run home. It just means that we work  harder.

So what do you think is necessary for a happy marriage? 

Red Writing Hood: An Ex-Husband's Lament

Prompt: Let’s lighten it up around here. And when I say lighten, I mean REALLY lighten. This week’s assignment will require the fewest number of words ever: we want you to write a story – your choice of topic – as a tweet. That’s right. One hundred and forty characters. Not words. Characters. Make us laugh. Make us think. Make us want more. Mostly, have FUN with this. You’ve earned it.Come back Friday and link up.


Love. A gorgeous wedding.Two kids & a Labrador later, a divorce. So Sad. Due to prenup loophole; she took everything BUT the mistress.

Commitment

My husband and I were relaxing the other night, watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. One of those commercials came on, with a lovingly compensated couple crooning about the wonderfulness that is their partner. We rolled our eyes.

"Yeah, we'll see how loving you are when you have to hold her hair while she's barfing on you!" I hooted.

We laughed together about the absurdity of those match-up commercials as we went to sleep. I'm not knocking these websites specifically. I just think that they portray love in a very distorted way.

There's so much more to a relationship than that goofy initiation phase, and I get very tired of having that kind of love in relationships emphasized over and over. It sets a bad example, you see. People(aka impressionable teenagers) see that version and think that that is what romantic love is all about, 24/7. On television and in the movies, couples are either madly in love or they hate each other. Reality is very different. Reality is about making a commitment to each other.

My husband decided that he loved me when I quickly downed a bottle of beer and then burped louder than him in the parking lot outside the bar.

But his commitment was sitting in the ICU while I was in a coma and he didn't know if I would ever wake up. I, in turn, held his hand throughout his cancer diagnosis and treatment. That is what commitment means: sticking around during the bad parts.

Life happens, and things can get ugly. Messy. People fart. People snore. People scratch themselves in embarrassing places. Sometimes they do all this in close proximity to you. At those times, love is not really the word that may describe your feelings, unless you are really weird.

It is in the trenches of the relationship that you forge a relationship, not the peaks. 'For better'...that part of the vow everyone remembers, and that is what those dating websites are selling. It's the 'for worse' that nobody thinks about before walking down the aisle. If you're not willing to stay with your partner during the 'for worse' times, however, you're not as committed to the relationship as you may need to be.

Hey Jealousy

Larry and I have been married for ten years. We've pushed past most of the growing pains and grown rather comfortable with each other. There's a level of trust that has been established that allows us to shrug things off that would result in fights for other couples. Some things, at least

We are driving home the other day, and Larry is telling me about the summer workshop he had attended. My husband hates workshops/trainings/staff development with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns, but his attendance at this one was mandatory. There was group discussion at this workshop. At one point during this activity, the woman running the workshop came over and started rubbing Larry's back.

"What?!!!" I interrupted. "Wait a minute--are you telling me that some woman who is not related or married to you just randomly came over and started rubbing your back?"

"Yes," Larry replied. "That is what I am telling you."

"You aren't just saying that because you think I'm not really listening to you?"

"No," my husband responded. "I was really uncomfortable. Wait--what do you mean that you don't really listen to me?"

I was experiencing a sudden urge to find this woman and scratch her eyes out, and I didn't want to scratch a person's eyes out and then hear my husband tell me that he was only joking.

This sudden feeling took me by surprise.

My husband is rather handsome with his blue eyes and curly brown hair and beautiful smile. I certainly can't blame other women for wanting to hang around him. But Larry does not have a wandering eye, except for computer games and large, expensive electronic toys. I don't ever catch him looking at pretty women when we are out in public. I don't find strange phone numbers in his pockets. He does not hang around in strip joints, throwing dollar bills into random g-strings.

It's not like I was going to go challenge this woman for touching my husband. Fighting is messy, especially between women. Most women don't know how to fight. There's usually a lot of flailing about with the eyes closed, and it's the poor bystanders who get hit, clawed, and pulled around by the hair.

So why the sudden bout of jealousy? I have no idea. Hormones?

The Secret to a Happy Marriage

I've been sick this week, with either a cold or allergies. It's kind of difficult to tell at this point. I just feel cruddy, but I don't have a fever, and I can't take off work this week because next week is spring break. So I've been muddling through. Emphasis on the word 'muddle'.

I hate to be sick. I hate not feeling like myself. I hate wanting to sleep so bad that I start nodding off in the middle of conversations. I hate feeling like my brain is in a fog. I hate being so irritable that I want to just start smacking everyone around me for no good reason. (even when I'm perfectly healthy, I sometimes want to smack someone. But I usually have a reason.) I need TWO spring breaks. If all this sounds odd, it's likely the cold medicine I took so I could get some sleep. It apparently makes you wacky. It actually says that on the box.

But enough about my wallowing in the self-pity trough. The Secret to a Happy Marriage is (drum roll)...separate bathrooms. Even if you don't have indoor plumbing, you need to have a "two seater" separated by a partition. Everyone needs their space, especially married couples, who are 'supposed' to want to do everything together. Togetherness is nice, but a little of that goes a long way, especially in a marriage.

Some of us are downright slobs(*raises hand), while others are obsessive compulsive neatniks. Separate bathrooms allows each person to express their personality to the utmost without fear of the other person completely ruining everything simply by crossing the threshold. One can leave the toothpaste sitting out all day, for instance, and nobody cares, because it's not in the other person's space. No random arguments that escalate over time until Cold War is declared!

Discuss.

There is Always a Good Time to Keep Your Mouth Shut

We are getting ready to leave to go somewhere. I have just finished getting myself showered and dressed, coifed, and putting on makeup. Nice makeup, with very pretty eyeliner and a nice red shade of lipstick. I am downstairs with Zane, trying to get his shoes on amid his protests. Larry comes downstairs.

"Well, I guess as soon as you put your makeup on, we can go," he says.

My mouth fell open.

I looked at Larry like he was an idiot. Which, at that point in the conversation, he was. At the very least.

"Could you hurry up? We need to leave," he told me.

So I punched him right in the face. Not really. But could anyone blame me if I had?

Marriage Secret

My beloved and I were arguing the other morning while on the way to work. We were arguing about something extremely vital and important to any marriage: football. Specifically, whether it had been a good idea to fire Wade Phillips now or if they should have waited until later. Larry got a bit emotional, as most men do when the topic is sports.

"I don't want to argue about this," I finally said.

"Good, because I would totally win, because I am right," my husband responded happily. We changed the subject, but I thought later that my wonderful husband, as smart as he is, missed the point.

Marriage is one of those big pictures made up of many tiny pictures. There is always more going on in an argument than the actual topic of discussion, and in a good relationship there is so much more than who wins an argument. Lots of stuff in the undercurrent of an argument, and it's easy to forget that in the heat of the moment. Those of us who want a marriage to succeed have to take a long-term view of any argument and ask ourselves what we're fighting for, the happiness of our spouse, or just to be right. There are a LOT of lonely people out in the world who couldn't/wouldn't let go of that need to be "right".

I don't have to be right all the time, and I want my husband to be happy. And to be honest, most of our arguments are matters of opinion, not fact, which to my mind means that we are both right. So it's not a hardship or a competition for me to let my husband be "right" when we have an argument. We always agree on the important things: we love each other, we love our son, and we love our family. The rest is small potatoes.

A Fine Romance

The other day, my husband put his strong arms around me, pulled me close, and gave me a big kiss. Then he just looked at me. I returned his gaze, thinking that we were having quite the romantic moment.

"You know..." he began.

"Yes?" I responded, breathlessly.

"You have a lot of hair in your nose," he finished.

So I slugged him. Not really. But I seriously considered it.

The Couple that Plays Together

My husband is an avid computer gamer.  He is usually waiting at the door of the local Best Buy when they offer a new computer game for sale.  Sometimes he even drools while he waits.  He's hardcore about it.  If you ask him a question about a game, he will start talking and I swear it will remind you of that scene in Forest Gump where Bubba is telling Forest about the shrimp.  Sometimes you don't even have to ask him a question, he'll just start talking.  Most of the time I love that about him.  Not everybody gets that into a hobby. 

A couple of years ago, Larry started playing World of Warcraft, aka WoW.  He was obsessed with it, to the point where I basically had to issue an ultimatum.  To his credit, he chose me over a computer game, and I was eternally grateful because I wasn't sure how I would be able to make a house payment by myself.  (I keed, I keed.)  But at that time, Larry complained that I never wanted to do anything that he liked to do.  I listened.  Lord of the Rings Online was about to come out--a massive, multi-player role-playing game(mmprpg).  So we got two copies of the game, two accounts and signed up. 

Now, my 'gaming' skills at that point were limited to games like SimCity, Civilization, and Solitaire.  I did try to play Half-Life once, but the first person shooter angle made me nauseated and I had to lie down.  Also, I am not ashamed to admit that I have the Walk and Chew Gum Syndrome, and as a result I have difficulty using both hands at the same time without looking down.  So I had no illusions about my gameplay.  But I wasn't there to win, I was there to spend quality time with my husband. 

My first "solo" instance was completed with Larry looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do and how to press the buttons and don't forget to read on that side and this is what you have in your packs and how not to die.  Once I got through that instance, he could come with me in the virtual Middle Earth and we got to do quests together.  And I had fun.  Mostly--sometimes I also would want to throw my monitor out the window when I got frustrated.  My character is a Loremaster, which means that I have spells and a really big stick that I can whack things with.  We joined a kinship and we have worked really hard at forming raids(groups of 12 or more) to kill the really big monsters.  Surprisingly, I am not the only woman in the kinship, but I am the least experienced gamer.  I know this because I seem to ask the lamest questions, at least in my own mind.  But the guys in the kinship have all been very kind to me, and most importantly, they've been helpful.  And I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable doing quests by myself and leveling my character up on my own.  And I kind of think that Larry is proud of me, but if he isn't, I'm at least proud of myself. I did something different that was out of my comfort zone, and I not only survived, I learned something about myself. 

I Did Something Nice

I don't always think about doing thoughtful things for other people.  I tend to be oblivious to what other people need, especially if I'm focused on my own problems.  But every now and then I manage to make a conscious decision to do something nice for someone.  It could be a small gift or something bigger or something else entirely, depending on what that person might need.  My 'nice' might consist of just sitting and listening to someone vent for a few minutes.  It costs me nothing and it makes the other person feel good for a little while, so it's all good. 

Today I surprised my husband with a trip to a local spa, the Retreat, for a massage.  He'd been complaining about his back hurting for some time, and today was the big writing test that he had been working with the kids on for the past month.  So his treat was to get a massage. While I waited for him I got a pedicure, since I couldn't just sit out there in the waiting room for an hour.  Larry said it was the 'bestest' massage he'd ever had, and he was very happy about it.  And I was happy that he was happy. 

I think that marriage should be about doing things that show consideration for each other. Notice that I didn't say a word about talking. Talking doesn't count. Actions speak louder than words. You can tell someone "I love you", but if you don't behave as if you do, then that's the message the other person hears.   I'm not talking about grand gestures, any idiot can do those.  Think smaller, more intimate!   Let your spouse sleep in every now and then, or write them a short note or text saying something complementary.  Make them a cup of coffee in the morning and bringing it to them while they are getting ready.  Buy them a copy of their favorite magazine without them asking for it. Massage their feet while the two of you are watching TV.  Let your spouse pick a movie every once in a while and don't complain about their choice.  There are so many things we can do to show how we feel about each other that don't cost money and give us so much in return.  Choose one.

Valentines Day is Every Day

We don't celebrate Valentines Day in my house. Oh, we used to, at least for the first couple of years of our marriage.  Just one year we decided that we didn't need to buy a card or present just one day out of the year as an expression of our love.  We could celebrate it every day.  So that's what we do. 

Anyone who tells you that relationships are easy is trying to sell you something. Relationships are hard work.  It can get downright messy for all concerned.  I think that the number one reason that people divorce is because the parties involved have an idealized version of what they think a partnership is all about. (I blame the romance novels.  Not everyone can be Fabio!)   If the person doesn't initially meet the idealized criteria, we all think that will change.  But a relationship, be it marriage or friendship or whatever, isn't made of what we want to see, but what is.  We do disservice to our partners by insisting that they fit a mold that was never made to fit anyone in existence.  Then everyone becomes disillusioned with each other and sometimes they end up going their separate ways.  Other times people grow up and accept their partner for who they are and then real love can grow.  When I got married, I had no illusions about my husband.  I think that he had some illusions about me, but I popped those bubbles pretty quickly.  There isn't time for illusion in our marriage, unless it's the kind of illusion that involves hobbits.  Or Fabio.

What Happy Couples Do: Belly Button Fuzz & Bare-Chested Hugs--The Loving Little Rituals of Romance