Friday, April 13, 2012

Lucifer Always Collects

Melchior entered the sanctuary of his office, striding angrily over to the sideboard and throwing ice into a glass.  His harsh breathing created a fog in the cold darkness of the room.  The remains of a fire and the lamp on his desk were the only illumination; he preferred it that way.   He muttered incoherently in his rage as he poured his drink.  His mind was already plotting his next move against the enemy.   Perhaps another assassination attempt...
"It isss time, Melchiorrr." the sibilant voice was low, but an echo of sinister certainty poured into the cavernous room.  A slithering rustle of movement emanated from the darkest corner, and the air became suddenly oppressive.

Melchior blanched. The drink he had just poured fell from suddenly numb fingers; the sound of the glass shattering was swallowed up by the darkness.  
Had it been a thousand years already? The bargain had not been completed!

"No! That cannot be!  I have not eradicated the dragon!"  Melchior's eyes searched the darkness.

"Neverthelessss."  The voice seemed to feed on the shadows, becoming more substantial as the darkness grew. 

"I am so close!"  Melchior screamed.  "I will not go!  I need more time!"
"You would dare argue with ME?"  Barking, gutteral laughter seemed to come from everywhere at once.
Melchior felt the tortuous weight of cold air pressing him into the floor.   A whispering of anguished screams skittered around the room, and an icy wind of displeasure stirred the papers on Melchior's desk.  An impossibly huge shape began to coalesce within the darkness in the center of the room.  The last embers of the fireplace flickered, fighting to maintain what little light they could.   
Melchior's eyes focused on escape.  He pulled open the door and stepped into the hallway, a brief flicker of hope in his chest. He had left the door on the other end of the hallway open!  Freedom was ten steps away. 

An icy talon gripped his ankle, and a wail of despair was released from Melchior's lungs as he was dragged back into the darkness.  The sound of his screams accompanied his departure.

Write on Edge Prompt: This week, write a fiction or creative non-fiction piece about a time one of your main characters finds himself or herself paying back a debt–financial or otherwise.  This post goes along with this particular storyline.


  1. Excellent descriptive writing. I really enjoyed reading this!

  2. Ooohhh, do not mess with anything that hisses when it talks. Great job painting the ominous nature of the scene. And I love that you gave him the tiniest shred of hope....before ripping it away :)

    1. Thank you! It sort of fit with the 'abandon hope' piece we did a few weeks ago. At least that is what I had in mind.

  3. Oh my... most excellant descriptions! I love it.

  4. Brilliant. Love the descriptive setting. My concrit would be to remove the last line. As much as I love it, I think "An icy talon gripped his ankle, and a wail of despair was released from Melchior's lungs as he was dragged back into the darkness" has more impact. The last line is delivered with a different POV and we lose the fear of the victim. (Also if we change Melchior's lungs to his lungs I think it'll read a little smoother)

    I loved the use of the cold and my favorite: the air became suddenly oppressive. Great take on the prompt!

    1. You're right. Thank you for reading!

    2. Oops, I meant that you were right about the POV. That's what I get for trying to type on my phone!

  5. What a great example of setting a scene and using all different senses to create a sense of fear and emotion. I like that you use a lot of sound and the play of shadows with the bit of fire left.

    The hope he has and then having it dashed adds another touch of interest that kept the climax of the piece really exciting.

  6. Brilliant writing. I loved how you used sensory detail to bring the reader deeper into the scene. Well done!

  7. Nice! You got me thinking...demons are not known for their patience, and they may have their OWN debts to pay (or avoid).


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