Friday, April 6, 2012

Forever Is A Long Time

 "For the heart wants what it wants."

The gravelly voice came from behind me, just beyond my peripheral vision.  I sighed heavily.  My irritation at the interruption was compounded by the inconvenience of having to turn around in my seat to see who was speaking to me.

"Excuse me? "   I frowned as I put down the book I had been trying to read at the coffee shop and turned around to greet the person attached to the voice.

He was certainly not a keeper, to use the local phrase.  He was a bit on the short side, and he had a unibrow.   I had intended to look him in the eye, but the mole on his nose yanked my attention right to it. 

 "I said that the heart wants what it wants," the man was right next to me; I could see the pores on the parts of his nose not completely covered by that mole.   I stared at him in confusion, and he pointed helpfully at the book. 

"Your book--it's a biography of Emily Dickinson."

"Wha--oh."  I felt kind of stupid.  I frowned at myself.  How could I not know that?  The man, who I was already calling Unibrow in my head, stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Calvin.

"I've been watching you, and I think that you're the woman for me." Calvin said.  A small smile played about his large mouth.  "We are going to be together forever, you and me, that's what I think."

 I stifled a pang of disgust, trying to be polite without encouraging.  It never paid to get the crazy people riled up, my mother always said.   I didn't know this guy, but his assurance made me nervous.

"Okay, Calvin," I began gathering my things to leave.  I thought that I might have better luck reading at home.   "It was nice meeting you, but I have another appointment."

"I suppose that you do," Calvin smiled broadly as I brushed past him. 

I walked out of the shop and headed to my car.  The sun was still bright in the sky as I threw my things into the trunk and made my way to the driver's side. I barely registered the van parked next to me as I put my hand out to open my car door, and then I felt a bright spark of pain in my arm.  My body began to spasm, and I had time to wonder if I was having a seizure. 

Then I was falling into the iron bands of Calvin's arms. He quickly opened the side door of the van and lay me on the floor, putting the taser down and tying my arms and legs with the the duct tape he had ready. The tape was warm as he put it over my mouth, as if it had been in the van for some time.  He stepped back when I was secure, surveying his work.

"You're a keeper," Calvin said with a wide smile, as the door of the van slid closed. I didn't see the sun again.

Write on Edge Prompt:  Introduce a romantic interest or opportunity and see what happens.  I guess that romance is in the eye of the beholder. 

17 comments:

  1. wow, creeeeepy, but really well delivered. You made sure we knew who this guy was right away. I was yelling for her to run immediately.

    The sense of danger is perfect.

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    1. Thank you--that is the message I was hoping to convey.

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  2. Wow, I did not see that coming. I'll be having coffee at home this morning. Nice work on describing this creeper.

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  3. Jesus H, that scared the pants off me. I'm assuming you're going to have to rub lotion on your back and be made into a handbag now.

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  4. yeah coffee here today too---great writing!

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  5. ohh you got the creepy down perfectly here. I enjoyed the slight humor sprinkled about--calling him Unibrow, getting the crazy people riled up...lol. I enjoyed those.

    You've got some passive voice here and there (here's one: I thought that I might have better luck reading at home. It would ring stronger if the sentence was tightened up, maybe something like: I'll have better luck reading at home undisturbed.) and I think you could easily remove all "had"s from this story, as well. (I have a huge problem with had and though. So easy to put in and so hard to notice!)

    I'm wondering if you will do more with this story. It has a lot of potential and I like the premise. I really enjoyed this take on romance.

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    1. I'm hoping to see more of Calvin, actually. He may be back, if he doesn't creep me out too much.

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  6. Really interesting take on the challenge - well done!

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  7. Oh, jeez - I'm suddenly afraid to talk to strangers. This was a great line: "I had intended to look him in the eye, but the mole on his nose yanked my attention right to it."

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    1. Unfortunately, I've been in that situation! Thank you for stopping by!

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  8. Oops. That's why Mom says "Be extra cautious in parking lots".

    A few tips that I think would help the flow:

    "Excuse me? " I frowned as I put down the book I had been trying to read at the coffee shop and turned around to greet the person attached to the voice.

    Try: "Excuse me?" Frowning, I put my book down and turned to see the person attached to the voice. (then I'd move the "coffee shop" reference to a different sentence. Having all that here in the same sentence is giving us more information than the sentence will support if that makes any sense. "greet" didn't work for me. "Greet" implies a "how do you do?" that "Excuse me" doesn't leave room for.)

    Also: The man, who I was already calling Unibrow in my head, stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Calvin.
    Try: Unibrow stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Calvin. (We are already in her mind and her thoughts in "first-person" context, she doesn't need to tell us that she's calling him Unibrow, she just needs to call him that)

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    1. You are right, it does sound better that way. Thank you!

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  9. Wow.... totally not what I had expected at all! But I liked it none the less!

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  10. Wow! The writing was great, but now you gave me the scaredy creeps!

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  11. Nice. We start with an awkward encounter that quickly goes for bad tomhorrifying!!!

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  12. I was feeling a smidge bad for Calvin and his unfortunate awkwardness, then a little annoyed, and now terrified and rethinking my favorite writing table at the coffee shop...

    I agree with the comment about just calling him Unibrow; it's a little more explanatory, and it also later shows how much she's misjudged him.

    Great job with this! It's not at all what I expected, but it absolutely works for Calvin's twisted romantic notions.

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