tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post2870960146264504446..comments2024-03-28T17:29:41.606-05:00Comments on Not Just Another Mother Blogger!: Forever Is A Long TimeTMWHickmanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-44260689711897017752012-04-07T21:56:18.833-05:002012-04-07T21:56:18.833-05:00I was feeling a smidge bad for Calvin and his unfo...I was feeling a smidge bad for Calvin and his unfortunate awkwardness, then a little annoyed, and now terrified and rethinking my favorite writing table at the coffee shop...<br /><br />I agree with the comment about just calling him Unibrow; it's a little more explanatory, and it also later shows how much she's misjudged him. <br /><br />Great job with this! It's not at all what I expected, but it absolutely works for Calvin's twisted romantic notions.angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14974137283220034062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-68307748189462456812012-04-07T11:10:33.230-05:002012-04-07T11:10:33.230-05:00Nice. We start with an awkward encounter that quic...Nice. We start with an awkward encounter that quickly goes for bad tomhorrifying!!!Carriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03472645003197467754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-20268425502927617412012-04-06T21:29:53.949-05:002012-04-06T21:29:53.949-05:00Thank you--that is the message I was hoping to con...Thank you--that is the message I was hoping to convey.TMWHickmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-9574888924438936362012-04-06T21:28:51.098-05:002012-04-06T21:28:51.098-05:00I'm hoping to see more of Calvin, actually. H...I'm hoping to see more of Calvin, actually. He may be back, if he doesn't creep me out too much.TMWHickmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-7285321527205087232012-04-06T21:27:31.569-05:002012-04-06T21:27:31.569-05:00Unfortunately, I've been in that situation! T...Unfortunately, I've been in that situation! Thank you for stopping by!TMWHickmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-76712916685386814672012-04-06T21:26:37.264-05:002012-04-06T21:26:37.264-05:00Yeah, I creeped myself out, too!Yeah, I creeped myself out, too!TMWHickmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-78044782959289591952012-04-06T21:26:14.399-05:002012-04-06T21:26:14.399-05:00You are right, it does sound better that way. Tha...You are right, it does sound better that way. Thank you!TMWHickmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11099277984216556857noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-64295796248497254772012-04-06T20:48:07.020-05:002012-04-06T20:48:07.020-05:00Wow! The writing was great, but now you gave me th...Wow! The writing was great, but now you gave me the scaredy creeps!Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01294308714313220666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-6311703192923699222012-04-06T20:42:03.878-05:002012-04-06T20:42:03.878-05:00Wow.... totally not what I had expected at all! Bu...Wow.... totally not what I had expected at all! But I liked it none the less!Jackiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15012551542418581742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-64648934558174077942012-04-06T16:26:43.770-05:002012-04-06T16:26:43.770-05:00Oops. That's why Mom says "Be extra cauti...Oops. That's why Mom says "Be extra cautious in parking lots".<br /><br />A few tips that I think would help the flow:<br /><br />"Excuse me? " I frowned as I put down the book I had been trying to read at the coffee shop and turned around to greet the person attached to the voice.<br /><br />Try: "Excuse me?" Frowning, I put my book down and turned to see the person attached to the voice. (then I'd move the "coffee shop" reference to a different sentence. Having all that here in the same sentence is giving us more information than the sentence will support if that makes any sense. "greet" didn't work for me. "Greet" implies a "how do you do?" that "Excuse me" doesn't leave room for.)<br /><br />Also: The man, who I was already calling Unibrow in my head, stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Calvin. <br />Try: Unibrow stuck out his hand and introduced himself as Calvin. (We are already in her mind and her thoughts in "first-person" context, she doesn't need to tell us that she's calling him Unibrow, she just needs to call him that)Shelton Keys Dunninghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10551666631783476472noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-40386433339003627012012-04-06T15:47:24.129-05:002012-04-06T15:47:24.129-05:00Oh, jeez - I'm suddenly afraid to talk to stra...Oh, jeez - I'm suddenly afraid to talk to strangers. This was a great line: "I had intended to look him in the eye, but the mole on his nose yanked my attention right to it."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-84774137496908954892012-04-06T13:48:32.814-05:002012-04-06T13:48:32.814-05:00Really interesting take on the challenge - well do...Really interesting take on the challenge - well done!Kalamapelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00882872478136709313noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-77517442455019316122012-04-06T13:16:49.475-05:002012-04-06T13:16:49.475-05:00ohh you got the creepy down perfectly here. I enjo...ohh you got the creepy down perfectly here. I enjoyed the slight humor sprinkled about--calling him Unibrow, getting the crazy people riled up...lol. I enjoyed those.<br /><br />You've got some passive voice here and there (here's one: I thought that I might have better luck reading at home. It would ring stronger if the sentence was tightened up, maybe something like: I'll have better luck reading at home undisturbed.) and I think you could easily remove all "had"s from this story, as well. (I have a huge problem with had and though. So easy to put in and so hard to notice!)<br /><br />I'm wondering if you will do more with this story. It has a lot of potential and I like the premise. I really enjoyed this take on romance.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-75710642317926227912012-04-06T11:50:11.311-05:002012-04-06T11:50:11.311-05:00yeah coffee here today too---great writing!yeah coffee here today too---great writing!Lynn Proctorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16349867270815243053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-66179136283280750932012-04-06T10:44:41.899-05:002012-04-06T10:44:41.899-05:00Jesus H, that scared the pants off me. I'm as...Jesus H, that scared the pants off me. I'm assuming you're going to have to rub lotion on your back and be made into a handbag now.Lizbethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03449627964374811836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-3359417695230759272012-04-06T10:06:47.374-05:002012-04-06T10:06:47.374-05:00Wow, I did not see that coming. I'll be having...Wow, I did not see that coming. I'll be having coffee at home this morning. Nice work on describing this creeper.Lindy Phippen Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13797304779576056899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1079589059457212218.post-79433828489307375782012-04-06T08:49:08.520-05:002012-04-06T08:49:08.520-05:00wow, creeeeepy, but really well delivered. You mad...wow, creeeeepy, but really well delivered. You made sure we knew who this guy was right away. I was yelling for her to run immediately.<br /><br />The sense of danger is perfect.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com