It was the first time that Zane had left the house for something other than a doctor visit since his birth, and since he had come home from the NICU. It was also the first time the three of us ever went anywhere not doctor-related as a family. It was Christmas Eve, and we went to my brother's house to celebrate and open presents.
Everyone was just itching to greet the newest member of our clan, and I was doing okay with allowing people to hold Zane without the use of gloves, masks, and hazmat suits. I had a beer and mingled. I was happy to be with my husband and son. I was happy to be out of the house. And yet...
Even though I had every reason in the world not to be depressed on this particular Christmas Eve, I was in a dark place. In my heart each December it is forty below. I am in a frozen cavern beneath a glacier, where everything is encased in ice and the only sound is the ice cracking as the glacier moves. My mental world each winter is a white wilderness, uninhabitable. I tried to fake it that year, and the result was tinged with a bit of hysteria.
I'm sure that no one noticed but me.
