I've Been Downhearted

I've been in a funk lately.  It's expected, since it's December, and I always get down at this time of the year.  It's mostly seasonal, with a little anxiety and grief thrown in for good measure. There's so much pressure to be "merry", and I just can't keep up with it.  I'm an introvert who needs to recharge her social battery much more often these days.  There's also an unspoken feeling that I am suddenly supposed to become this housewife extraordinaire, who can whip up forty dozen cookies while simultaneously filling out Christmas cards.  The people around me seem to have purchased and wrapped all their presents. They've planned their holidays out well in advance. 

We haven't even put up the tree. 

And of course I'm worried about money.  Cancer doesn't just eat up parts of your life and leave.  It also hits you in the bank account.  I have good health insurance, but there are still co-pays and deductibles and I don't even know what else yet, because I'm still getting bills in the mail.  I even got a bill from the robot assistant that did my hysterectomy. And I've still got at least two more surgeries coming up in 2016.  I'm not a person who normally worries about money, so this is a new experience.  All the "what ifs" pile on top of me, and it gets difficult to breathe.

So I've been down, and of course I've wanted to write about being down.  When I've sat down in front of the screen to type, however, no words were there.  I finally gave up and decided to let everything stew for a bit, which is why I haven't been around lately.  I just needed a break to reboot.

And then some of my friends started a Go Fund Me page, which made me cry, because I'm not used to people doing nice things for me.  Everyone has been so wonderful during this whole ordeal, sending me encouragement, hugs, and even chocolate.  Living in the moment sometimes means pulling yourself out of the darkness.  Sometimes I get so focused on being sad that I miss some good things, but my friends gave me a boost this time.  I know I'll be my usual happy self very soon. 

And I am grateful. 

A Little Bit Of Spring

On my way to my car yesterday, I found this little beauty.  It has survived temperatures in the twenties, freezing rain, and icy winds. I confess that I admire this flower, and it was just what I needed to see on a cold, miserable, dreary day. 

So I thought that I would share this little bit of color with all of you, since I know that most people are dealing with frozen pipes, icicles falling on vehicles, and hyper children stuck at home instead of at school. 

No matter how cold the winter, spring will come.   

It's Christmas Already

optional prompt: Christmas Time is Here Again


My son is all about the Christmas.  He made us put up all the trees last week, and he keeps them plugged in whenever he is at home.  He keeps telling us that we need to put up some outside decorations.  He bugs us about driving through the neighborhoods looking at the lights.  My husband is kind of the same way, so the two of them have been in cahoots, discussing prospective Christmas presents and what Santa might bring them.   Zane is very excited about this time of year, and is positively giddy now that he has learned to sing Christmas carols.  It is nice to see them cheerful and happy.  We have about three weeks of school left before Christmas break, and then we are all 'off' until next year.  

I'm a little more ambivalent.  This is the time of year when I get pretty depressed.  Part of it is seasonal, I think.  I've always been more somber during December than at any other time of the year.  It may be that because I was a June baby, when the sun is closest to the earth, I feel the distance of the sun when it moves the furthest away.  I don't know.  There are other reasons that I get down at this time of the year, but I really don't want to go into them right now. I am on a mission.

However, I am trying very hard to get as into the spirit this year.  When Zane asked about putting up the trees, I didn't say no, but went upstairs to look for decorations.  When he has asked about plugging in the tress, I've said yes.  I've only asked him to please stop singing "Jingle Bells" twice, even though he only knows the chorus.  I hope that the extra effort pays off.  



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RemembeRED: Christmas Eve 2007

Prompt: Some say a photograph steals the soul. This week, show us yours: take us into the moment that photograph was taken. Show us who you were then and what the photograph means–in 300 words.



It was the first time that Zane had left the house for something other than a doctor visit since his birth, and since he had come home from the NICU. It was also the first time the three of us ever went anywhere not doctor-related as a family. It was Christmas Eve, and we went to my brother's house to celebrate and open presents.

Everyone was just itching to greet the newest member of our clan, and I was doing okay with allowing people to hold Zane without the use of gloves, masks, and hazmat suits. I had a beer and mingled. I was happy to be with my husband and son. I was happy to be out of the house. And yet...

Even though I had every reason in the world not to be depressed on this particular Christmas Eve, I was in a dark place. In my heart each December it is forty below. I am in a frozen cavern beneath a glacier, where everything is encased in ice and the only sound is the ice cracking as the glacier moves. My mental world each winter is a white wilderness, uninhabitable. I tried to fake it that year, and the result was tinged with a bit of hysteria.

I'm sure that no one noticed but me.