A to Z: Kindness Take Backs

Kindness is something that everyone needs, and it is often in short supply. I know that there are many days when I could really use a pat on the back or a sympathetic ear for a few minutes.  Just having someone notice you is a kindness for some of us.  A nice little note, a bar of chocolate, a happy little comment on the blog...I love to receive those kindnesses. I hug them to my heart, and they make me smile. 

I try to give back or pay it forward.  I'll buy the meal for the person in the car behind me at the drive through, or offer to help some of my teachers with their paperwork.  I'll hold the door open for a parent with their hands full, or grab the neighbors chihuahua as she makes a break for freedom, or throw newspapers on the porches of the people on my street.

I don't do these things because I'm trying to score points or make myself look good.  I try to be kind because such considerations make other people feel good, and they in turn may show such considerations toward others.  Doing nice things for other people makes me feel less doom and gloomy about the world, which is a good thing. I don't require or expect any other sort of recompense.

Occasionally, however, I wish for 'take backs' on my kindness.  The person at the receiving end of a kindness is so hostile or ungrateful, that I just want to say "You know what? Forget it."  Manners seem to have gone by the wayside in the wave of technology sweeping over us, and people have lost track of all the little niceties that make society work. If I made a pie(hypothetically--no requests for pie!) for someone, and they didn't even say thank you, but just tossed the whole thing to their dog?   As far as I'm concerned, that person does not deserve any kindness. From anyone.  I'm not expecting a big thank you, but give me the consideration to at least wait until I leave before you throw the pie to your dog. 

Am I the only one who thinks this way? 

While I might think various evil thoughts in those situations, I recognize that their response is their hang up, their issue.  It has nothing to do with me.  It is difficult for some people to know how to accept gifts gracefully or how to say thank you.  I just need to grit my teeth and smile. 

And then open a bottle of wine when I get home.

Really Pay It Forward

I mourn the loss of any bookstore, since it lowers the IQ as well as the property values of the area around it. But money is tight these days and so I was among the other vultures picking over the corpse that was once Borders, looking at children's books. I had waited in a long line, I was hot, I was tired, I was cranky.

After I paid, I took my cranky self and my purchases and stood outside. Then I saw a woman walking toward me. She was a big girl like myself, but she had on a beautiful dress. She looked fabulous. As she approached me, I decided to do something that I hardly ever do: I told a complete stranger that I liked what she was wearing. I made sure that my tone was polite and cheerful just to counteract my crankiness. Her response was a sarcastic "Thanks" as she passed, as if I had insulted her.

My immediate reaction was extremely negative. I wanted to grab her, sling her around, and slap her silly. Look, I wanted to say, I was paying you a compliment. I was doing something NICE, and you just crapped on it.

But I didn't. I remembered something important.

If you give a gift, pay a compliment, or otherwise display kindness toward another and expect or demand a thank you for it, then you've negated the kindness, compliment, or gift. Gifts of kindness should be given freely, without expectation of reward. That warm feeling that we all get for performing some kindness should be enough. If you expect to be rewarded or 'owed' for your gift, then you are being kind for YOU, not the other person.

We've probably all had someone who did something nice for us at some point in our lives. Did we say "thank you"? Was our thanks enough? When we perform a kindness for another person, do we expect them to grovel at our feet in their professions of thanks? What does that say about us, that many of us feel entitled to that gratitude?

Sometimes I will do something nice for someone anonymously. I do this to remind myself that I don't have to be thanked. Nobody "owes" me anything in those situations because they don't know that I am the giver.

I still feel that warm glow, and that is thanks enough.