Be a Kindness...Ninja

 I was all for the "Pay it Forward" movement.  The idea that if someone did something for you, you did something for someone else, like pay for their Starbucks, is lovely.  My son and I had fun secretly paying for the pizza ordered by the car behind us at Little Ceasar's one afternoon.  I still enjoy doing that on occasion, but I've been a little disconcerted by the impression that kindness is a transaction.  An exchange of goods or services.  A crying student in my office who says, "But I was nice to him!"   

I can see where the confusion came in, especially with all the pandemic isolation and political anger.  Kindness, however,  is not a transaction.  It never has been. Kindness is an act of love.  Love of people.  Someone in need, and you help.  Someone in pain, and you comfort.  When you love someone, even your neighbor who likes to blare their music at the crack of dawn, it's unconditional.  It's not about what they can do for you; it's about what you can do for them.  When you give a blanket to a homeless person, it's an act of love.  If you expect that homeless person to follow you about singing your praises, that's a transaction.   

Back when dinosaurs walked the earth and electricity wasn't  even a thing, kindness was how you created a community. People in a group would come together to help each other.  That is simply what they did.  No agenda, no transactional conversation, just...kindness.  Neighbors would arrive from all over the area to help a farmer build a barn, and their wives and children would ride along to help  It meant a lot for a farmer to take a day off of working their own fields to help build a barn.  

Over the past two years, people have forgotten that they are part of a community.  Part of a neighborhood.  Part of a church. Part of a team.  We have been isolated for so long that we began to focus on a "what is in it for me?" view of the world.  Transactional.  This behavior was encouraged by the anger and rage of the adults, and we all bear some responsibility for that when it comes to our children.  I have had many conversations with my own child about this topic; he needed a reminder to be kind to everyone, even if they weren't kind back.  

I decided that kindness isn't a transaction; it's a ninja.   Ninjas do not expect anyone to give them anything back; mostly because they were assassins, but let's turn a negative into a positive.  Be a ninja, who steps in quietly, makes another person feel loved, and then is gone, without any expectation of reward or adoration.  Be a kindness ninja.  

You can wear the fancy ninja outfit, if you want.  

I Actually Do Hold Grudges

As I went through all that cancer nonsense, I had to let go of some things.  There was no point in being angry all the time, for instance.  As much as I wanted to rail and scream about my illness, it was bad for my health to dwell on it, so I let that go.  I also let go of other things, like holding grudges against people who said or did something to hurt me.  

Except that I didn't actually let go of all my grudges, I realized today.  But I also noticed a pattern in my grudges. They seem to be all about customer service. Office Max, for instance.  They got on my list one day about ten years ago when we were trying to buy office chairs.  After searching for a couple of hours for the right kind of chair, the manager showed up abruptly to say that we were wasting her time because Saturday or something.  Office Max was bought out by Office Depot, of course, but I still will not set foot in any of their stores.

I still hold a grudge against Bath and Body Works, as well.  Why?  Because after making me wait in a hideous line for longer than 30 minutes one Christmas, the manager sent the cashier on break(with ten people in line) and did not replace her with another, and became angry when I asked about it.  I had my hands full of gifts, but I put them all down and walked out of the store.  I haven't been back since, even when someone gave me a gift card.  

I understand that things happen that are not anyone's fault.  I understand that employees have bad days.  I can usually deal with the occasional grumpiness or bad attitude, because I have my own days. As long as I can take care of my business and move on, I'll let it go.  Rarely do I feel the need to approach a manager, or write a letter.  But there comes a point, if the service is awful and the employees act like you're at fault, that I lose my temper.  I don't yell or become violent.

I just leave.

I'm done.  It doesn't even matter if the CEO of the company calls me personally to apologize.  I just walk out the door, shake the dust off, and find another store.  Several of the places I've crossed off my list closed soon after, so I have to think that the problem was systemic, and not just my powerful shopping skills ending someone's business career. 

Customer service, at its heart, doesn't require expensive classes or graduate degrees.  In any transaction, there's more going on than an exchange of goods for money. In that few minutes it takes to buy something, there's opportunity.  If you treat people with kindness, or at least basic decency, that goes a whole lot further than the dollars. 

I remember places where I am treated with dignity.  We go back to places that take the time to build relationships, however superficial.  In this current environment, with all the poop flinging encouraged by people who ought to know better, that human interaction becomes even more important.  Businesses need to remember that. Because I do hold grudges. 

How about you?  Any grudges out there?

My Son Took Me To School

The guy ahead of us looked kind of scary.  His shaved head and tattoos could have been the typical uniform of the heavy metal fan, but there was a hard look about him that made my internal caution light go off.  I wasn't necessarily concerned, but it never hurts to be aware of who is around you and what is happening.  It helps to ease some of my anxiety, anyway.

Zane and I were doing some grocery shopping, and the place was packed.  I was a bit frazzled. Shopping with my son is a never ending battle of  "I want that!" and "No", along with him trying to sneak items in the cart along the way.  Happy to be close to the end of this particular trip, I was focused on getting the groceries onto the conveyor belt.  I noticed the guy ahead of us, but not much else.  He was finishing up his transaction; he reached into his front pocket for his cash. I turned away to reach for a bulky item underneath the cart, barely registering the sound of coins bouncing off of the concrete floor.

Zane sprang into action.  He ran over, dropped to his knees and started hunting down all of the coins that the man had dropped.  When he had gathered up all of the change, my son stood up and held his hand out to give the coins back.  That's when this intimidating man told Zane to keep the coins, thank you, and handed him three dollars.  Zane ran back to me clutching his newfound wealth, very excited.  As I made sure my son said thank you, I realized something.

My son held no preconceived notions about the human being in front of him.  He saw a person who needed help, and he helped him.  That was it.  Boom!--Kindness.  On the other hand, I had a prejudiced view of people who looked like this gentleman, and I let that color my opinion before we'd even had an interaction.

I don't often see my own biases laid out before me so plainly, but there they were, like freshly washed bloomers hanging in the sunlight.  I try so hard not to judge people, but perhaps not hard enough.  I felt a little chastened.

My son took me to school.  I hope that I can remember this particular lesson.

A to Z: Kindness Take Backs

Kindness is something that everyone needs, and it is often in short supply. I know that there are many days when I could really use a pat on the back or a sympathetic ear for a few minutes.  Just having someone notice you is a kindness for some of us.  A nice little note, a bar of chocolate, a happy little comment on the blog...I love to receive those kindnesses. I hug them to my heart, and they make me smile. 

I try to give back or pay it forward.  I'll buy the meal for the person in the car behind me at the drive through, or offer to help some of my teachers with their paperwork.  I'll hold the door open for a parent with their hands full, or grab the neighbors chihuahua as she makes a break for freedom, or throw newspapers on the porches of the people on my street.

I don't do these things because I'm trying to score points or make myself look good.  I try to be kind because such considerations make other people feel good, and they in turn may show such considerations toward others.  Doing nice things for other people makes me feel less doom and gloomy about the world, which is a good thing. I don't require or expect any other sort of recompense.

Occasionally, however, I wish for 'take backs' on my kindness.  The person at the receiving end of a kindness is so hostile or ungrateful, that I just want to say "You know what? Forget it."  Manners seem to have gone by the wayside in the wave of technology sweeping over us, and people have lost track of all the little niceties that make society work. If I made a pie(hypothetically--no requests for pie!) for someone, and they didn't even say thank you, but just tossed the whole thing to their dog?   As far as I'm concerned, that person does not deserve any kindness. From anyone.  I'm not expecting a big thank you, but give me the consideration to at least wait until I leave before you throw the pie to your dog. 

Am I the only one who thinks this way? 

While I might think various evil thoughts in those situations, I recognize that their response is their hang up, their issue.  It has nothing to do with me.  It is difficult for some people to know how to accept gifts gracefully or how to say thank you.  I just need to grit my teeth and smile. 

And then open a bottle of wine when I get home.

Random Acts of Sweetness!

A lot of times we think that nobody is paying attention to us.  We get discouraged when it seems as though all that we do is ignored or dismissed.  It's not that we ever intend to ignore anyone, it just happens.  I think that women, especially, as they become wives and mothers, lose track of some threads of the relationships they cherish.  It's difficult to pay attention to everything, so we have to let go to focus on our families.  It's not wrong, it just is, but the relationships that women form with other women are important, too.  We just need to make time for them, and show that we are paying attention with our actions.  Random acts of sweetness/kindness to each other goes a long way.    

My husband came into the house the other day with a package.  He was talking, but the manilla color of the package distracted me.  A package!!!   Here I am, an adult, and I still get a bit excited when there is a package in the mail, even if I know what it is.  It was all I could do not to jump out of my chair and grab the Precious. 

Finally, Larry handed me the package.  It was addressed to me...and to Zane!  I called him over and showed him his name on the outside of the package.  He was very excited, and could barely wait for me to reveal the contents.  We opened the package to find something that was EXACTLY what we had been looking for!

We had been looking for the White Ninja, who goes by the name of...Zane, for awhile.  We didn't think that the boy would be interested in the Ninjago series on television.  We were wrong.  Unfortunately for us, everyone else in our immediate area likes the series too. Everywhere we looked, the shelves were empty.  We even looked for the White Ninja at the Lego Discovery Center, only to be disappointed. 

Until my wonderful friend Andrea over at Maybe It's Just Me, who is one of the sweetest people on planet Earth, sent us this package.  Her son, who is an expert in Legos, helped her find it.  I was floored by their generosity.  It's been a long time since someone has been so sweet to me and my family, and I have been smiling randomly about it ever since. 

My son, just a beginner at Lego collecting, was beside himself with happiness.  We had to immediately open the box and put everything together.

I managed to snag this photo before the whole thing was whisked away for playing purposes.  Cries of "NINJAGO!" filled the air until bedtime, to be continued the next morning.  Zane holds his White Ninja and spins himself around until he is dizzy or runs into furniture, and he loves it.  I love it as well, at least after I moved a few potentially bumpy items out of the way.  

Andrea, you and your son rock.  THANK YOU for this wonderful, thoughtful gift.  You brought joy to our formerly ninja-less home, and that is priceless.  


***Andrea also sent me a little something for me as well, knowing my love of Lego mini-figures.

Okay, so I use my coffee maker as a pedestal for pictures! Don't hate me!

 She sent me Thor!  The God of Thunder and Avengers fame.  I plan to take him to work so he can smite all the paperwork off of my desk.   At least I hope he can do that.  It's a lot of paperwork. 


What random acts of sweetness have made your day?  Do tell in the comments so we can all smile!

Really Pay It Forward

I mourn the loss of any bookstore, since it lowers the IQ as well as the property values of the area around it. But money is tight these days and so I was among the other vultures picking over the corpse that was once Borders, looking at children's books. I had waited in a long line, I was hot, I was tired, I was cranky.

After I paid, I took my cranky self and my purchases and stood outside. Then I saw a woman walking toward me. She was a big girl like myself, but she had on a beautiful dress. She looked fabulous. As she approached me, I decided to do something that I hardly ever do: I told a complete stranger that I liked what she was wearing. I made sure that my tone was polite and cheerful just to counteract my crankiness. Her response was a sarcastic "Thanks" as she passed, as if I had insulted her.

My immediate reaction was extremely negative. I wanted to grab her, sling her around, and slap her silly. Look, I wanted to say, I was paying you a compliment. I was doing something NICE, and you just crapped on it.

But I didn't. I remembered something important.

If you give a gift, pay a compliment, or otherwise display kindness toward another and expect or demand a thank you for it, then you've negated the kindness, compliment, or gift. Gifts of kindness should be given freely, without expectation of reward. That warm feeling that we all get for performing some kindness should be enough. If you expect to be rewarded or 'owed' for your gift, then you are being kind for YOU, not the other person.

We've probably all had someone who did something nice for us at some point in our lives. Did we say "thank you"? Was our thanks enough? When we perform a kindness for another person, do we expect them to grovel at our feet in their professions of thanks? What does that say about us, that many of us feel entitled to that gratitude?

Sometimes I will do something nice for someone anonymously. I do this to remind myself that I don't have to be thanked. Nobody "owes" me anything in those situations because they don't know that I am the giver.

I still feel that warm glow, and that is thanks enough.

One Small Kindness Counts Big

All around me, people are resolving to do things differently in 2011. They are going to lose 400 pounds, exercise 14 hours a day, and become perfect. This is the year, they tell me. These grandiose plans last about as long as it takes for the average coffeemaker to make a pot of coffee, and then they are dismissed. Until next year, anyway.

What if instead of resolving to be perfect this year, we all resolve to perform one small kindness to one another every day? To say 'hello' and smile to people we pass on the street? To help a grumpy elderly person? To talk for a few minutes with a person who looks lonely? To hold the door open for a mother holding her child and 40 packages? To smile and speak pleasantly to the service people at banks and stores, even when you've waited in a long line?

These are little things, I know. There is certainly nothing grandiose about doing one small kindness for one person every day. I believe that the energy that a person sends out into the world comes back to that person threefold. I also believe that there is too much negativity in the world today, and I know that we as individuals can choose to change our own behavior. However, I think that each of us doing one small kindness for one person every single day will add up to something very grand indeed. I hope that you will resolve to make 2011 a kinder year for all.