An Unnerving Conversation

When the horrible shooting occurred in Newtown last month, my husband and I decided that we weren't going to say anything to our son about what had happened.  He knew nothing about it, and we felt that it would serve no purpose to bring it up.  We decided that if he brought up the event we would try to answer his questions, but other than that we would just let him stay blissfully ignorant of the whole thing. 

But Zane is not the blissfully ignorant type, and that is a double edged sword.

"Mama, what happens when someone starts pewing at you?"    My years of looking at internet memes came in handy; I remembered that 'pew' was the sound made when people were pretending to shoot guns.  I was glad that I remembered, but then the weight of what Zane asked hit me right in the gut. I had to sit down.  We have not ever purchased toy guns for Zane, but he knows the index finger method of imitating a gun, and he will sometimes run through the house tormenting the cats with it.  Harmless fun, we thought.

"Are you asking me what happens when someone starts shooting at you?"  I needed to clarify.  I didn't want to be emotional about this; I wanted to be calm and rational and reasonable.  The exact opposite of how I really felt.

"Yes."

"Why are you asking me that?  Did someone say something to you?"  My mind was racing.  Larry and I only spoke about Newtown when we were alone.  Did someone say something at school?  Did his classmates say anything?  We hadn't received any letter about this!

Zane launched into a long, complex story which involved wargs and ninjas at recess with Shelob the spider.  This let me know that it was a peer who probably said something he heard about the shootings.  I've seen those five year old boys gathered in the corner, comparing their Angry Birds Star Wars shirts; I could just imagine them congregating on the playground.  Zane was very into his narrative, and I had started to hope that he had forgotten his question.

No such luck.

"Mama, what if someone pews me?"  he asked.  "Will I die?"

I had a mini-crisis moment as I contemplated the unthinkable happening to my only child, the light of my heart.  I had to take his question seriously. 

"If someone shoots you, it will hurt very badly,"  I said.  "so if someone points a gun at you, I want you to run away from them as fast as you can."

I know that a number of schools teach the kids to hide, and that is a good plan. Sometimes.  However, since a moving target is harder to hit, and since it makes sense to put as much distance between yourself and a gun as possible, I felt that my recommendation was the simplest and most age appropriate.  I could have told him to do what his teacher told him, but what if he's not at school?

Zane thought about that for a minute.  Then he put his arms around me and gave me a kiss.

"Okay, Mama. I will run right home to you."

"That sounds like a plan, son."  I breathed a sigh of relief as my son went back to his rousing game of "Cave Troll vs. Giant Frog of Doom".   I had a couple of glasses of wine later, after he went to bed.

I don't want my child to be scared to be in the world.  I want him out there exploring and getting his hands dirty and having fun and just being a kid.  But the world can be a scary place, and there may be a time when he will be confronted with a scary situation.  I want him to be safe.  I want him to be prepared, as much as he can be.  Having a plan, even one as simple as running away, may help my child feel safer. He can make a choice, and have a little control.  Sometimes, that can make a difference.

The A-List: School Safety

My precious baby is going to an actual school!  There's now so many more things for me, as his mother, to worry about!  Will he like his teacher? Will he stay in his seat?  Is he going to make friends?  Will he remember to put the toilet seat down and wash his hands without me yelling reminders?  Will he eat the sensible lunch I made him or trade it for some gummi bears and crackers?  Is he going to be safe?

When we registered Zane for this particular school, I immediately noticed that they have cameras everywhere.  I'm a bit obsessive about safety, so I notice things like that.  In the school office, behind the receptionist, is a bank of monitors which reveal what those cameras see.  That bank of cameras got me thinking about emergency planning and school safety, subjects dear to my heart.  We leave our children in the hands of others for at least 8 hours a day, five days a week.  I want anyone working with my son to have at least a passing acquaintance with school safety.   At the very least, they should know where the fire exits are!

There's a lot to think about, when it comes to emergency planning and schools.  This sunk in when I started taking some of the free classes offered online at the FEMA website, and hasn't diminished in importance over the years.  I am not just thinking of school shootings, but of the more 'mundane' types of emergencies, such as fires, tornadoes, floods, and hazardous spills.  Even if nothing ever happens, I feel better knowing that the school has plans in place to keep my child safe in the event of an emergency. 

In that spirit, here are some questions every parent needs to ask their child's school, either before school starts, or soon after the first day.  The school may label you as one of "those" parents, but that's okay.  These are questions that need to be asked, if only for your own peace of mind.


1. What is the procedure for contacting parents in the event of an emergency?   I'm not just talking about the sort of emergency where your child fell and cut themselves and now requires stitches.  If there is a fire at your child's school, if there is a hazardous chemical spill and the area has to be evacuated, how will the school contact you?  Some campuses have an automated system, others are on the Emergency Email Network or something similiar, that sends out a mass text or email to alert people to an event.  Whatever is in use, parents should know about it and be able to access it.

2. What is the procedure for releasing a child to someone other than a parent?    No parent wants to hear that their child was released to a complete stranger.  We also don't want to have to come down to the police station to pick up our mother-in-law because she tried to check Junior out of school early to take him to the dentist. Occasionally, a child's grandmother may have to pick up a child from school, or maybe an aunt or uncle or even a family friend.  Every campus should have procedures about who is allowed to pick up students.  My son's school requires that the people who might be picking up a student have their names, addresses, phone numbers on file.  Students are only released to the people on that list, who are required to show their driver's license in the front office.  Other campuses may require fingerprinting, background checks, driver's license numbers, etc. 

3. In the event of a "Shelter-In-Place" or a "Lockdown", what is the procedure?   If your child's school has no idea what these two terms refer to, I would be concerned.  Parents need to know what those terms mean and what those procedures may entail, no matter how farfetched. Knowledge is power in the event of an emergency.   Knowing some of the procedures may help a parent feel less anxious about the process, because these situations are scary enough.  What parents also need to understand is that it is not always possible to release students to their parents immediately or on demand in these situations.  We may want to spirit our child out of the situations, get them to safety, but sometimes it is safer for the kids to stay where they are. 

4. How do you monitor visitors to the campus? My son's campus has cameras all over the place, but they also lock the outside doors once school begins.  If a visitor arrives, they are required to sign in at the office, get a visitor's pass, and to ring the bell to get into the building.  That person must see the visitor's pass before they will open the door.  I like this procedure, even if it takes me a little time; it means that this school takes campus security seriously.  They want to know who is on campus, so they've taken measures to keep track.  That's a good thing. 

5. How can I help?  It's not just up to the school to think about school safety.  Every parent can help keep their child's campus safe.  In fact, it is your responsibility as a parent to do so.  Knowing the procedures is a good start, but keeping the campus safe means following the rules.  That means no parking in the fire lanes because you don't feel like waiting in the pickup line.  No propping open doors that are supposed to be locked so you don't have to go to the office and sign in.  No speeding through school zones while yakking on a cell phone.  Being safe also means reporting those parents who don't follow the rules. It's not tattling; it's keeping everyone safe.  

Now that I've scared everyone, I'll offer this:  I've worked in schools for over twenty years, and in my experiences, schools are a pretty safe place.  While emergencies happen, they are not a daily occurrence.  Still, knowing what procedures are in place, and knowing a little bit about emergency planning, helps me feel much better about leaving my child in that classroom all day.