Chassis

Write On Edge prompt:  This week, write a 300 word fiction or creative non-fiction piece focusing on tension arising from a misinterpreted written note or eavesdropped conversation.

THUMP!!!

The shoe hit the wall right next to Joshua's head as he entered the room, but he ducked anyway, because shoes usually came in pairs.  Especially when it came to Candy Lou and her "fast balls".   Sure enough, the second petal pink platform came hurtling toward him.   

"You bastard!"  his beloved wife screamed, searching for something else to throw at him.  Joshua put his hands up, a gesture of surrender learned from years of experience.

"Now, Candy Lou," he began. "Hold on a se--"

A lamp came soaring toward him, and he fled behind the couch. 

"I heard the whole thing, you evil, horrible man!"  wailed Candy Lou.  "How could you say such a horrible thing about your wife?"

Joshua was genuinely confused. All he had been doing was talking to their new neighbor in the front yard. 

"You told that man that I had a nice chassis!" she blubbered.. "I heard you!  You said 'She has a nice chassis, but it's a little low to the ground.'  Don't you deny it!  My chassis is NOT fat, Joshua!" 

Candy Lou threw herself onto their bed, burying her head underneath a pillow as she was wracked with sobs.  Joshua stared at her a moment, watching the pillow bob rhythmically with her sobbing. His laughter began almost silently, bursting up from somewhere within, releasing him from a self-imposed prison.  Soon he was whooping with loud, raucous laughter, and Candy couldn't help but hear him.  She paused in her performance to look at him in shock.

"Candy Lou!" he breathlessly told her, when he could speak. "Oh my sweet Lord!  A chassis is part of a car!  A car.  We were talking about CARS, not you!"   He dissolved again in laughter, while Candy Lou stared, bemused.

Source: glogster.com via Tina on Pinterest

The A-List, First Edition

I was reading a blog(currently my favorite pastime), and a blogger posted her list of her 'top five'. These are the five guys that she would have a "free pass" to sleep with, should the unlikely opportunity come along. Whatever. The cool thing about daydreams is that you can imagine speaking, or "whatever", with people you will never meet in person without any fear of restraining orders. I haven't been interested in sleeping with anyone who isn't my husband since I got married, because he's hot. I would be lying if I said that I didn't look, but that is pretty much it for me. So my 'top five' are not guys with whom I would like to have a "free pass".

Most of the time when you see these sorts of lists, it describes a dinner party. I have no wish to poison any of these nice gentlemen with my cooking; I just wouldn't mind having a conversation. This list, then, is actually more of a "famous guys with whom I would be interested in talking with while eating a reasonably priced meal." I say 'talking with', but who am I kidding? I would probably be so very tongue-tied that I would just stare at them and probably even drool a little. I would look as though I was having a petit mal seizure of some sort, I am embarrassed to admit.

Here is my list, and I'd appreciate it if nobody pointed or laughed:

Jon Stewart
Viggo Mortensen
Jensen Ackles
Christian Bale
Nathan Fillion

There's no women on my list, simply because I haven't ever gotten over my general annoyance that most of them have personal trainers and chefs.

Jon Stewart is on there because that man is smart AND witty. Smart AND witty men are just about the rarest and most fascinating creatures on the planet. He is well read, well spoken, and keeps up with current events. All that and he is hilarious. That's like, the total package. I could just sit and listen to him and laugh and maybe ask a few questions right before they brought out the dessert.

Viggo Mortenson made the list because he is a different kind of smart, which fascinates me. He is an artist, and I have always wanted to talk to an actual artist about his creative process in detail. I am sure that my incessant questions would annoy him, because he's mysterious. Mysterious people don't like to talk about why they are mysterious, because it's not very mysterious. I would ask anyway.

Jenson Ackles is on my list because I think he would be the kind of guy I could go hang out with in a bar where we would drink beer and shoot some pool and crack jokes. My husband and I used to do that before we were married, and I enjoyed our dates. These days we don't have the time. The ability to just go cut loose, get drunk, maybe get into a bar brawl(okay, not really. I have this aversion to pain) would be nice. Bonus, Jenson Ackles would be able to front me some bail money if we got arrested for brawling. Which I would never do.

Christian Bale is on the list because he has a really excellent accent; I'd want him to read me a story. Just kidding! Mr. Bale is on my list because he has been the very first person to capture the essence of Batman on screen. Batman is a very dark character, and was not meant to be portrayed frivolously. I understand why Christian Bale does not want to be 'stuck' playing Batman for the rest of his life; the therapy alone would cost millions. But I sure wouldn't mind talking about comic books or movies with him.

Nathan Fillion rounds out my list because, well, wow. His character on Firefly was romantic, brave, and funny, and 'swashbuckling'. Fox was just plain stupid to cancel that show. I only watch Castle because he's on it. His characters kind of remind me of Captain Kirk, and I am not sure that wasn't intentional. Nathan Fillion seems like he would be fun to play on the Xbox with, and he would probably have tons of awesome movies that we could watch, and it would all be very comfortable. I could maybe even wear sweats.

So who would make your "Top Five"?

Mother-Son Conversation

Zane is in the living room. I am in the kitchen.

"Mama?" Zane calls from the living room.

"Yes, Son?" I am in the kitchen, my hands in the sink, waging my daily war against a never diminishing pile of dirty dishes.

"I not the Sun, I'm Zane!" comes the outraged response.

"Oh, I am so sorry!" I forget that Zane does not understand homonyms yet. "Yes, Zane?"

"Mama, I want the Spiderman book."

"Which Spiderman book?" Zane has several books with Spiderman on the cover, and I try to think of where they all might be located.

"That Spiderman book," came the reply. At this point, an extremely snarky response popped into my head, but I kept it to myself.

"What does it look like?" I said instead.

"I don't know," said Mr. Helpful.

"Well, if you don't know, how do you know that that is the book you want?" I tried logic. Silence from the living room as this question was processed. I got back into the groove of dishwashing.

"Mama?" Zane called from the living room.

"Yes?"

"I want the Spiderman book."


For the record, it was a Marvel Superheroes Look and Find book. Spiderman was indeed on the cover.

Conversations at the Kitchen Table

"Mama, I like this," my son said, referring to the cut up pieces of hot dog I plopped down in front of him last night.

"That's great, Zane," I replied. My husband was also at the table, eating a hot dog that is not cut up, because he is old enough to do that now. I was attempting to hem up some of Zane's pajamas. This(sewing) requires a great deal of concentration on my part. I am a self-taught seamstress, and I pretty much suck at it. Tonight, I have jabbed myself with the needle so many times that the local blood bank has called to ask if I need a refill. I am so not hungry. However, I sat at the table with Zane and Larry to have some sort of Family Dinner Time.

"You have a bear shirt," Zane told his father.

"Yes. Yes I do, Zane," Larry told his son. (We try to respond conversationally, so that Zane learns about reciprocity and other important social skills that will allow him to one day get a job or date or accept an Oscar.)

I accidentally pulled the thread out of the needle. Since I had sore fingers and the usual family vision problems, I could not clearly see the eye of the needle, so it was taking me a lot of effort and mental cursing to thread the needle for the third time.

"When the sun comes up, it will be light outside," Zane tells us.

Larry made some reciprocal response about it being daytime or whatever. I was finally very focused on my sewing task at that point, and had succeeded in tuning most everything out so I could concentrate.

"I have a penis," Zane continued, picking up a piece of food and putting it in his mouth.

I blinked.

Now I WAS listening, with both ears. My son said one of the 47 words on the Parent OMG! List. Was I concentrating so hard that I missed something? I looked up at Larry, who had the deer-in-the-headlights look. This was visual confirmation that I had definitely heard what I thought I heard. The Mom-Guilt Expressed commenced.

"What do I do? What do I say? Do I agree with him? Do I disagree with him? What if he asks if I have a penis? What if I say no and this bothers him? Is this going to mess up his normal developmental processes? What if he requires therapy and can't get into an Ivy League school because that's on his record? Is Jerry Springer still on the air? Holy...!"

I jabbed myself again with the needle, because it's always been difficult for me to escape my little 'fear loops', as I call them. I looked at Zane, wondering where this runaway train of thought(mine, not his) was headed. He was smiling and looking very content.

"I need Cheetos. I need them, Mama." Zane points to the bag of Cheetos that is on the table.

Parent crisis #4271 averted. For now, anyway.