I Am Your Child

Zane has been a homebody lately.  He's heavily into summer mode, which means that underpants are the dress code and the Boy Nest(a mountain of pillows on the sofa) is the preferred location.  I am pretty sure that this is what I have to look forward to in the teen years.

His father and I, on the other hand, are all about enrichment.  As in, what can we do with our child that will expand his horizons, teach him something new, and encourage the creation of new and better brain cells?  We plan trips to museums, movies, pools, water parks, beaches, etc.  Some things are hits, others are not.

But we didn't anticipate any resistance this time.  

"I don't want to go."  Zane was firm.  I thought very hard a moment about how to respond; this parenting thing is a tricky gig. 

"Okay, your father and I will go, and you can stay here."   I smiled at my use of an old psychology trick.

"What? You can't do that!" Zane was horrified. It was very hard not to giggle, as he stood there, hands on hips, and glared.

"Why not?"  I managed to keep a straight face. I was curious to hear what he had to say.

"I am your child!  You aren't allowed to leave me alone!" The boy had a point. He was my child. I wondered about his assertion about leaving him alone, however.

When I was a kid, my parents left us alone often.  We would go out to play without much discussion, and we were completely unsupervised for hours.  Sometimes my parents would ask where we were going, but most of the time they had no clue.  I don't even remember half of the mischief my brother and I got into, and what I do recall will not be revealed here. I am not sure about the statute of limitations for shenanigans on military bases. If I would have hollered at my parents, "I am your child!", they probably would have just laughed, patted me on the head, then sent me to my room.

My parents weren't terrible; that is what every parent did back then.  Kids went out to play, and parents did whatever parents do inside the house.  Kids were called in at dinner time, and if it was summer, they went back outside after dinner until dark. We had a reason for making ourselves scarce: If you didn't have anything to do, your parents would always find something for you to do that usually involved scrubbing something icky off of something else. Who wanted to do that?

Things are different now, but maybe not better. I remember doing quite a bit of problem solving out there by myself.  There was no one to tell me 'that's illegal', or 'that will explode', or 'that will result in a weird stain'. My brother and I had to figure these things out for ourselves. We had to adapt and adjust. We had to figure out how to navigate the world on our own, and we did. That is something that the children growing up today won't have.

Zane has never really been unsupervised his entire life. There is always someone watching him, telling him what to do. Instead, kids have play dates, and camps, and lives that end up overscheduled. They are never alone or left to their own devices. Parents who let their children run around unsupervised, like we used to, are berated and chastised, and their children pitied as unloved.  Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge? There has to be a happy medium between unsupervised and oversupervised, I thought.

Yet as I was contemplating this very idea, the police were circling our subdivision, helping frantic parents search for their five year old boy.  He had either wandered off, or he hadn't, but he was gone. As I heard the sound of the approaching police helicopter, I decided that maybe oversupervised wasn't so bad.

To My Son Upon His Graduation

You did it, my son.  You completed the toughest year of your schooling so far.  You worked hard to succeed, every day, to earn that paper. Your father and I could not be any prouder that you rose to the challenge.  Who knew that kindergarten would be so difficult?

As you prepare for the next adventure in your education, I get the feeling that you might want to rush things.  You've always been in a hurry. I mean, you're already discussing marriage and family with your girlfriend, and there is just no need to rush. First grade will be here before you know it, and I have some wisdom to share. It has been a few years since I was in first grade, but some things you never forget.

1.  Remember where you came from.  When I was five and found wandering all over Ft. Campbell, Lord only knows what would have happened if I hadn't been able to tell the MPs where I lived.  Or maybe my mom took care of that.  I was only five, and I was just happy that the police didn't arrest me for peeing all over their backseat. That story is the reason I will never run for public office. My point is to remember your family--your mom, your dad, your aunties and uncles, and your grandparents, etc. Each family member has a story to share. Be willing to listen. We may be old folks, but we are survivors of life.

2. Don't be a meanie-head. I cannot emphasize this enough. Very few people want to hang out with people who are not nice to them.  Why would they? Would you want to be around a mean kid, who feels entitled to your attention, or a nice kid who is willing to share his bag of Doritos?  Poor behavior will sometimes be tolerated, but not if it is a habit.  So smile. Say please and thank you. Be a good listener. Share. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

3. Try all of the cookies. At least once.  I know that right now you're a boy with his habits firmly in place, and you're fixed on chocolate chip for life.  But the best cookie you've ever tasted in your whole entire life could be out there, and it may not be chocolate chip. It is good to try new things, go to new places, meet new people. Trying new things helps you make better choices, and it is fun. Change can be hard, but it can also be amazing. Don't be afraid.

4. Sometimes life is scary. I wish that I could shelter you from all the scary stuff out there, but I can't. Things happen that your father and I have no control over, and you are just going to have to face whatever is out there too. Thunder will rumble, hurricanes will roll into the coast, and people will get hurt or killed.  I will answer as many of your questions as I can, so you have the knowledge to confront scary events. I will also hug you and hold you when that is not enough. Some days I may ask you to hold me instead!  We will get through the scary together.

5. Do not eat the art materials, no matter how appetizing.  Kids in my day used to spread Elmer' s glue on our skin, our fingernails, etc. We would wait until it dried, then spend hours of class time peeling it off. This was some sort of self simulation, I am sure, but we were six, and there was no higher form of entertainment. Except that some kids liked to be even more rebellious. They would do things, like eat the glue, because they wanted teacher attention. But just because you CÀN do something doesn't make it a good idea. Do not eat the glue, or the paint. Your peers will not appreciate your glue eating as the fine performance art it is; they will call you weird, and avoid you like you have cooties.

I hope that these words have inspired you to rise above the the humdrum, the every day drudgery that school sometimes becomes. You have always been a problem solver, and that strength will carry you far.

At least into the next grade.