Advice

I can't remember ever getting any advice from my mother. 

My mother just didn't talk to me that much when I was growing up.  Back then, there were no shortcuts.  As the hausfrau, my mom had stuff to do, like wash our clothes, clean the house, and cook dinners.   There was no time for idle chit chat. 

My mother always seemed completely discombobulated by me, like she had no idea what to do or say as a parent.  To be fair, I was weird, but still.  I was  emotional . I would tantrum, I would cry, I would need a hug. I had actual feelings, and that completely freaked my mother out.  

Other mothers were huggers, and I was a little jealous of those kids. My mother didn't hug unless I asked for it, and seemed ill at ease during the whole event.  I felt a bit cheated. Never mind that I am tactile defensive and don't like to be touched--Moms are supposed to hug! 

Moms are supposed to teach you how to cook--my mother banned me from the kitchen.  Moms are supposed to sew cute little outfits for their daughters--my mom made me wear hand me downs from the neighbors that were several years out of date.  Moms are supposed to play with their children as much as possible--my mom spent hours on the couch reading every book on the planet. Moms are supposed to dispense lots of sage advice, wisdom to get through the trials of life.

And yet I learned a lot from my mother.

My mom taught me to accept the things that I cannot change, like the humiliation of dayglo orange polyester pants, and to walk like I knew what I was doing, even if I didn't.  She taught me that being on my own was not the traumatic event it seemed.  My mom taught me to stand on my own two feet.  She taught me that I didn't need a man around to make things happen. She taught me to think for myself, and to accept the consequences of my choices.

My mom taught me those things all without saying a word.  Because sometimes the less said, the better.  I understand that more and more as I try and be a parent myself.

Also, that annoying habit of rolling my eyes when my husband says something that is completely silly?  I get that from her, too. 






2.) Advice your mother gave you.

Forward

Far too many fools
have fallen into darkness
while only looking behind.
Whether you follow the path
trodden by many
or venture
to find your own way,
keep your eyes
always looking forward.



Prompt:    We want you to give us thirty-three words of advice.  Your advice can be to anyone or about anything.  We only ask that you make it uniquely yours.  If you have time to kill, you can easily get lost in the advice of others here.

New Parent? Come On In!

Online Colleges

Somehow I won this parenting blog award from www.ecollegefinder.org, and since I am always desperately in need of validation, I humbly accepted. In my opinion, there just isn't enough education in this world, which explains the current Congress(those children should have been left behind), and it is a fact that the more educated you are, the more money you make over your lifetime. Really--go look it up.

As a consequence of winning this award, I feel that I should at least address some small part of what I have learned over the last four years of being a parent. In my case, absolutely NOTHING happened like it does in the movies! Well, except that my OB-Gyn sort of looks like Oliver Platt. Anyway, here's my two cents, adjusted for inflation.

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Congratulations, new parent! You've brought your progeny home from the hospital or from the adoption agency. This most precious creation now lies safely sleeping in the correct position in their crib, while you and your spouse gaze at them in wonder. At this point, you should be terrified.

This is normal. The people who tell you that being a parent is easy are either high or selling something. Being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. It takes courage to be a parent. It is not for the weak-minded or the frivolous.

If you get to be a parent, there are a lifetime of challenges ahead, true. There are a lot of heartbreaks ahead, too. There is also a lifetime of success and joy and happiness ahead that will light your heart up with warm and fuzzy for the rest of your life. Being a parent is hard, but the rewards make up for that. Without further ado, here is my advice to new parents, based upon my four fabulous years of experience.

1. You are the role model for your child. Whatever you do, from now on, that little face is going to be looking to see how you handle what life throws at you. Think about how EVERYTHING that you do looks from the eyes of your child. It is an exceptionally humbling exercise. If you do it or say it, expect your child to do it or say it. Behave accordingly.

2. You are never going to parent as well as the next person, because that parent is not you. The sooner you get over that, the better. It used to keep me up nights thinking about all the things that I wasn't doing "right", and I'll never get that sleep back(Sleep is GOLD to a new parent. GOLD). Your child is unique; you are unique. Your parent-child relationship is unique. There is no "one size fits all" kid, so why expect to be that kind of parent?

3. A parenting book can be a helpful reference, but it is not the Bible. I am partial to Dr. Spock, but a number of people like those "What to Expect books". Each parenting book out there says the same thing, except when they don't. One book may say that it is okay to let your baby cry for hours. Another book threatens to call CPS if you ever let your child cry for longer than twenty seconds. You can go crazy. Choose one book to use as a reference, in case you get stuck. Don't even open any other parenting book, for sanity's sake.

4. Loving your child is not the same as letting them do whatever they want. Nobody likes a spoiled brat; there's enough of those in Congress. Boundaries make a child feel safe, and that's a stone cold fact. Sometimes that means telling them 'no'. You are not your child's friend, you are their parent. Your child needs to trust you to protect them, even from themselves.

5. Once you become a parent, there is no going back to the life you had before. It is very easy to become frustrated as a new parent. Real life experiences can be scary. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you need help. If you don't have family members who can give you a couple of hours respite here and there, check with local churches, community groups, Any Baby Can, etc. This is especially true if you have a special needs child. Even God rested on the seventh day.

Dearest readers, do you have any advice for first time parents? Do tell--my kid is only four, so I have years of stuff to learn!

The Best Advice

I was in college. The guy that I had been seeing had just dumped me like yesterday's newspaper. My roommate decided that I needed distracting, so she dragged me to see a cover band playing in one of the many small towns around San Marcos. Cathy figured that loud music and dancing would take my mind off of my heartbreak. She didn't have to remind me that she had a crush on the drummer; anything was better than sitting home alone moping.

We danced in front of the stage all night and generally frolicked. When the everything was over, Cathy and I hung around so she could talk to the drummer. I was left just sort of hanging about near the stage, both for moral support and because Cathy drove. I sat at a table by myself and let myself get down in the dumps about a stupid boy.

It wasn't just about the ego bruise. I had it in my head that I should be married by a certain age. At the time, I think that just about every girl had that same idea. We even made fun of the girls who went to college to get an "MRS" degree; they were only there to snag a husband. We laughed, but there was still that fear, that imaginary deadline. If we weren't married by this age, we were losers and would never marry at all. It was beyond stupid, but it was there. I sat there in the quiet dance hall and felt like a failure.

One of the guitarists suddenly appeared in front of the table where I was sitting. He put his guitar case flat on the table in front of me and began pulling wires and straps off of his guitar. I looked up at him. He was older than his bandmates; with dark hair and blue eyes. He had an enormous black mustache; it seemed to take up the entire middle of his face. He smiled at me as he dismantled his equipment.

And then I just started bawling my fool head off in front of a complete stranger with a guitar.

I hate to cry. I especially hate to cry in front of strangers. I don't know what the heck they do to those actresses in movies who look fresh as a daisy covered in dew when they cry onscreen, but I just look a mess when I cry. My face gets all blotchy, my nose gets red and snotty, and my eyes just swell right up. Yet here I was, horrified, waterworks gushing full time.

"Damn!" the stranger said. "I can't be that ugly!"

This had the intended effect of making me laugh. He handed me an honest-to-god cloth hanky so I could wipe my eyes and nose, and then just stood there wiping down his guitar. I apologized for my outburst, and told him that my boyfriend had dumped me.

"He's an idiot," he said as he laid his guitar into the case. "What are you doing crying over an idiot?"

I laughed; he was right. But what if that was my last chance to be married? What if I was alone for the rest of my life?

The guitarist just shook his head and smiled. I could see that he was trying very hard not to laugh at me. He closed up his guitar case and picked it up, ready to leave.

"Another train comes by every five minutes," he told me before he walked out into the night.

I sat there. That random guy was right. What he said resonated like only the truth can. I got over that guy who dumped me at that very moment, and I stopped worrying so much about whether I was going to get married or not.

I've heard his words said lots of different ways since then. Tomorrow is another day, for example. As one door shuts, another door opens. For every loss, another opportunity. I've said those words to myself many times at the low points in my life since that night, and I am heartened by them. Those words give me hope.

Another train comes by every five minutes. It might not be what you expected, and it may take you in a completely different direction. But the train does come. We just have to be at the station when it does.