Soapbox: Talk to Your Kids About Transition

The other night I was watching my son sleeping. His eyelids were fluttering a bit, and I thought that he was probably dreaming. He looked so peaceful, like all sleeping children do. There's nothing more relaxing than watching a healthy, sleeping child. Yep.

That's when the thought came to me: Zane will be driving in thirteen more years. Holy Crap! And then I wasn't so relaxed anymore. But it does illustrate that parents need to think about the future for their kids NOW.

What I am referring to is more than the standard, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" talk. There's so more to this than that. We all want our children to have dreams, and most of us want those dreams to have some fulfillment. But those dreams need to have a foundation of realism to them.

For example, let's go back to the "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question. I have lost count of the number of teenagers who tell me that they are going to play for the NBA/NFL/ETC. Parents need to steer their kids toward more realistic expectations for their career choices. Teach your kids to give themselves options. A Plan B, or Plan C, etc. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Does your child want to go to college? How do they intend to pay for it? Do they have the grades to earn the scholarships? There was never a time in my life that I did not intend to go to college. It was just assumed that I would. But my parents didn't talk to me about paying for school until they told me that they were going to pay for it. Up until that point, I just figured I was going to get by on my good looks. (I was kind of cute back then--and naive!)

Does your child understand the concept of budgeting? Do they understand that the paychecks that come into the house pay for 'invisible' things such as electricity, internet access, or garbage pickup? Do you talk about mortgage payments? Right now, we tell Zane that we have to work to pay for his "presents" at Christmas. When he's older, we will discuss how the money comes in and where the money goes, so he has a realistic concept of what he will need to live as an adult.

Does your child want to drive a car? How are they going to pay for a car, if you don't have one to give them? Who will pay for the insurance? Who will pay for the gas? Are you freaking out yet? Take a deep breath.

I work with special needs children. Some of these kids are going to need a lot of help to be successful. That need for help isn't going to cease once they hit 18. Is this child going to be able to make decisions for themselves once they hit 18 and are considered an adult? Is this child going to live in a group home? Is this child going to be able to get a job? Is this child going to be able to drive? If not, how is this child going to get from their house to their job? Is this child able to take care of their medical needs? What is going to happen to this child if their parents or siblings are not around anymore?

These are scary questions for some people to think about, but they NEED to be thought about, and talked about, throughout your child's life. In the world of Special Education, this is called Transition Planning, but this stuff should be for all kids. The great people over at Autism Speaks have created a tool kit about transition. It is excellent, and even if you don't have a child with autism, you should check it out.

I'll get off the soapbox for now. I hope I've got you thinking!

Very Important Philosophical Questions

This morning my husband attempted to show my son Star Wars. Zane was only interested in the first five minutes, like he is with most movies...except Star Trek. And secretly I think that is awesome.

I am a Star Trek person. My husband claimed to be a Star Trek geek. In fact, that's sort of how we met: we were waiting for a parent to show up for a meeting, and in the course of our conversation Star Trek was mentioned. My husband claims that he was smitten at that moment. Except he's not really a ST geek, because he really only likes The Next Generation and Captain Picard. I let this slide in the name of love. Unfortunately, my husband also loves Star Wars. He's bi-sci-fi, I guess you could say. While I was as enamored of Han Solo as every other woman on Planet Earth, I was never quite converted to the Church of Star Wars.

I use the word "church" because when the average ST geeks and the SW geeks get together, it almost seems to approach the fervor of a Pentecostal revival the way the arguments fly over which is best and why. These people don't seem to practice religious tolerance, either: I've known perfectly calm and rational individuals to come out fighting if you slander "their show" by saying that Jar Jar was adorable or that Spock's ears are crooked.

We've already decided to raise Zane as Catholic with a side of Methodist, but we have not discussed the ST vs. SW question. My feeling is that there are advantages to both 'religions'. With SW you get to play with a light saber a lot, hang out in seedy bars with bounty hunters, and use the Force to smack people around. With ST you get to dance with some scantily clad green women, time travel, fight Klingons, and drink Romulan ale(throw in Duran Duran and we are describing my college years). Both ST and SW have characters that are archetypes that offer guidance on how to approach life, so that's not necessarily a deal breaker. But dammit, ST has George Takei! I think George Takei trumps Chewbacca any day!

Once the ST vs. SW question is resolved, hopefully before Zane is in his forties, there's an even bigger philosophical question we as parents will have to address, one that could have long-term repercussions for Zane and his ability to live in the state of Texas: Beans in the chili or no beans?

This parenting gig is tough!!