Monday, March 7, 2016

I Will Never Force My Son To Take Me to Lunch

A couple of months ago there was a story on the internet about a woman from Michigan who makes her six year old son take her on a dinner date.  The mother described how her six year old earns money doing chores, and he pays to take his mother out once a month.  This sweet little boy holds the door for his mom, holds her chair, and asks her about her day, per his mother's instruction. Her reason for doing this, she explains, is so that he can learn "how to treat a lady, and how to take her out on a proper date".

I read this story, and it bothered me. It bothered me even more that there were lots of comments from women about how this was such a great idea.  Yes, it is a great idea to force your small child to take you to dinner and spend the money he earned without regard as to whether there was any other item he would have preferred to save his money for. 

I don't have a problem with this young man learning about money, tipping, and other life skills.  Every kid should learn such things, since they will need those skills as adults. Every parent should be teaching their children those concepts. However, that this little boy is essentially forced to take his mother out to dinner so he can learn how to treat a lady.  Never mind that no self-respecting lady ever demands to be taken out anywhere.

What is this boy actually learning about women here?  He is learning that if he wants female companionship, he has to pay. 

I am a feminist.  I believe that women and men are equals, and should have the same opportunities and challenges. I remember the time before women began demanding equal rights. I do not want to go back. Yes, it is nice for a man to be polite and hold the door open for a lady, but you know what is even better?  Holding the door open for another human being, regardless of their gender.  I grew up believing that a woman didn't need a man to feed or pamper her. A woman can take the initiative and ask a man out on a date herself.  And if she does?  She pays for the meal, or they split the check.  Equality.  

Because when the man always pays, there's an expectation of some sort of required reciprocation. It may not be intentional, but it is there.  Many men think that women owe them "something" for buying them dinner, or at least they used to. That expectation is so established in our culture that movies and television regularly depict men demanding kisses, or worse, at the end of a date.

And who could blame them for being confused?  Men have had such transactional relationships with women for centuries.  We were seen as property.  The entire institution of marriage used to involve a father selling his daughter off to the highest bidder in exchange for a couple of cows and three goats.  Women who tried to be independent usually ended up disowned by their families, forced to marry, or burned at the stake.  Thankfully, that is no longer the case, at least not here in the United States.

My son is learning manners.  He is learning to be polite to everyone.  I want him to treat all people kindly and equally.  I want Zane to understand that just because he does something nice for another person does not mean that that person "owes" him anything.  There is no quid pro quo in friendship.  I do not want my child to grow up believing that he is obligated to buy a woman anything in order to have a friendship with her. 

Many women fought tooth and nail over the years to get us where we are now. We have earned the right to be seen as equals, to pay our own way.  So why would I force my male progeny to use his hard earned money to reinforce the stereotype that the man is supposed to pay for a meal?  If he chooses to buy me lunch, that's great.  I'm always happy to share a meal.  But I'm not going to demand such treatment and disguise it as teaching my son "manners".  

Besides, I can buy my own lunch.   


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  2. Seems just time spent together, setting aside one day a month for a meal together could have taught a lot on its own, like the importance of making time for others and communicating. That article felt like a humble brag to me and I did not enjoy it. I did, however, enjoy your post!

  3. here in Asia and in my country it would be unusual for a mother to do so dear ,my younger son collect little part of his pocket money and after having few hundreds he ask for something which cost thousands and we feel happy to buy him his wish

  4. Amen, sister! :) But really, my sons have learned how to treat women with respect without being forced to take me out to lunch. Somehow just living it in our daily lives was enough of a model for them. Funny story, though, is how our daughter, born and raised in the liberal PNW, went to college in Texas and tripped all over herself at the constant chivalry being directed at her. Imagine the shock when she pulled out her credit card for dinner or sat in her own chair at Thanksgiving, oblivious to her then boyfriend standing behind the one he had pulled out for her. It makes me laugh to think about it.

  5. So well said! Was nodding my head to the very end.

  6. Yes thank you!

    When I was growing up, my parents would take me and my brothers out to lunch regularly to spend time with us, not making a distinction between boys and girls....we all wanted to spend time with either parent! They also didn't make me pay ever! I think when you make someone pay it's not as special as if they choose to treat you when they're old enough to make their own money. What a strange story. I also emphatically agree with your point of treating PEOPLE well regardless of gender.

  7. I hadn't seen that but couldn't agree more!

  8. Couldn't agree with you more, Tina. Thanks for writing this and sharing with yeah write.


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