Monday, February 16, 2015

Stinky Feet

My nostrils were assaulted the other evening when I walked into the living room.  A foul odor wafted from the general direction of my husband and son, who were busily playing Minecraft together on the Xbox.  Not the usual gaseous anomalies generated by diet, but a horrifically dense fog of an odor that practically melted my nose hairs.   This was a "OMG, something died under the couch three weeks ago" smell.  This was a "zombies are hiding behind the china cabinet" smell.  This was a "hasn't been seen by his neighbors in weeks" smell.  Have I adequately conveyed that this smell was AWFUL?  I could go on. 

As a result of chemo there are a number of smells that just make me want to immediately lose my lunch, and this particular smell was registering as a 13 on a scale of 1 to 10.  I had moments to investigate, locate the source, and destroy it before there would be a mess.

"What in the name of all that is holy is that SMELL??!!!" seemed a good opening question.

"What are you talking about?" Larry didn't move his eyes from the television.

"You don't smell that?" I was incredulous. How could anyone miss that greenish miasma floating in the air?  The mustard gas used in WWI smelled less lethal.

"I don't smell anything," Larry said.  Zane didn't say anything; he just kept digging or building or whatever it is you do in Minecraft.   I began to hunt around for the cause of such an obnoxious odor, sniffing the air and then gritting my teeth and dry heaving.  Fortunately, there were no dead animals underneath the sofa, although I did find a number of empty paper plates.  There were no zombies behind the china cabinet, either.  As I drew closer to my boy, however, I figured it out.

The foul, offensive odor was my son's stockinged feet.  Yes, I have to put this on record: the foulest stench I've ever endured in my almost fifty years, the smell that made me want to projectile vomit all over my living room, was the smell of my son's sweaty, stockinged feet.

I was appalled.  I know that teenagers often suffer sweaty, stinky feet.   But my boy is SEVEN!!!  He is way too young for such stinkiness! Do they even make Odor Eaters for kid feet?  If his feet were this horrific now, what would the teen years be like?  My brain cringed at the image of my son bereft of a date on Prom Night because he forgot to wear his Odor Eaters.  Instead of showing up at school with a left behind lunch, I'd be dropping off a new pair of shoes.

I was making myself dizzy holding my breath and staring at my son's feet.  Breathing through my nose, I looked closely at his socks.  Perhaps he stepped on something?  The socks looked a bit...lived in.

"Zane, when was the last time you changed your socks?"

"I don't know," was my answer.  I calculated, using laundry day(Sunday) as the latest possible date. 

It was Thursday. 

We had a discussion then, about remembering to change his socks on a daily basis.  It was the same discussion we have every month.  Except this time I told him that if he forgot again, I was just going to throw up on him. 

Mutually assured destruction, I called it. 
Stinky feet are NOT genetic. 





7 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel better I have the when did you last change your boxers/socks/take a shower conversation at least once a week with the 13 year old.

    Also doesn't help me make my point when the husband hasn't showered in 2 days.

    *sigh* Boys can be so gross.

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  2. In addition to my son's stinky feet, he also seems to try to grow those toenails out...ewwwwww!

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  3. I think throwing up on him is an appropriate punishment.

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  4. What Juli said.
    My sense of smell heightened when I was pregnant and remains that way. It's not necessarily a gift.

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  5. DD1 has 2 boys...so far this conversation has not happened....she has my nose and I am sure it will be assaulted one day when they start doing or not doing by themselves.

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  6. heh, heh, heh, the joys of motherhood. Take care.

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  7. NO warning next time - just THROW UP!

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