Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hallucinations of Yesteryear

Every teenage girl has crushes.  It's just part of being a teenager, these strange and slightly romantic feelings about other people. I was no different. I mostly worshipped from afar, however. I was content to stare at the boys of my dreams surreptitiously in the cafeteria, or follow them at a discreet ten paces to their next class. It was never long until I moved onto the next fellow. Most of the time, the objects of my affection didn't even know that I was interested in them, and that was probably for the best. There was no telling what sort of MTV drama would have occurred if they had known. I wasn't really interested in an actual relationship with these boys, anyway, except in my head. Where it was safe, and nobody got pregnant.  As far as I was concerned, my actions were perfectly harmless for all involved.

And then there was X(name changed just because I can't remember how to spell it).

X and I had several classes together, and sat next to each other, and hung out with the same group in the library every morning. We were just friends; that was my thing.  But along the way I developed a huge crush, that didn't go away. I wasn't about to admit it to anyone, but I enjoyed talking to X.  He was funny, and his attempts at speaking high school German were downright endearing. I found myself thinking about him way more than I normally would, at odd times, and I admitted to myself that I...liked him. In that way. I finally decided to take a significant emotional risk, to let X know how I felt. I gathered up my courage and asked him to the Prom. I was careful to frame my request as a joke, just in case.

When he turned me down, I was secretly heartbroken.

But I moved on. I'm a survivor. I left the state and had other grand adventures involving other boys and ended up married and happy. I always had fond memories of X, however.  He was wrapped up in warm feelings, like an old comfy sweatshirt.  He became something shiny I would take out and admire every so often, remembering fun times. 
  
Except memory is a tricky bastard.  It's been thirty years since high school, and like Indiana Jones says, it's not the years, it's the miles.  Lots of miles on this brain of mine.  My memory of what X looked like ended up crumpled and blurred in my head, until he looked a lot more like...Edward Norton.  A young Edward Norton. Where Edward Norton's image came from will remain a mystery, but for years, that's the picture that came into my head when I thought of X. 

And then X finally posted a picture of himself on the Book of Face, and he looked nothing like Edward Norton.  Not even close.  I sat there, staring hard at the screen. I squinted my eyes, tilted my head. Nope. Not Edward Norton. I even had the eye color wrong!  Also? X did not age well. His former tall and lean body, those nice arms...all gone. Instead, a formless potato shape, similar to my own.

The reality of X, after all these years, was disconcerting.   Am I a shallow person? No, I don't think so. After all, I haven't aged well, either. I recognize each and every scar, gray hair, and wrinkle as badges of honor, marks of distinction, and I wear those with pride. I am sure that X has similar badges.  We've earned our scars.

But I want my old memory back. I want my fond and treasured memories of when I was seventeen, before life ran me over twice and flung me in a ditch. So I am waiting, not so patiently, for my memory to crumple and curve and distort in a more pleasant story.  Maybe not Edward Norton this time, but close enough.



14 comments:

  1. This is what's wrong with Facebook! It ruins carefully sculpted memories! Great post, though. This took me way back to my own crushes so long ago. I think I'll keep them as is.

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  2. Great read! I can definitely relate. I try not to find any of my crushes on Facebook!

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  3. I laughed... I cried... I went and Facebook stalked my old enemies to console myself that they, too have become potatoes.

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  4. There is sometimes something endearing about Mr Potato Head!

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  5. You called it the Book Of Face.

    *swoon*

    I get this sentiment...I've gone through it a few times.

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  6. "Where it was safe, and nobody got pregnant"---Love this....even though I clearly missed this memo in high school (!). This is so great to read.....like hearing a friend tell a story about something you just can't wait to hear all about.

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  7. I can understand what you mean when you say you want your memories back. I think the comfort in them , the soulful innocence is so appealing. And Edward Norton? Mine has always been Hugh Jackman, no wait. Bradley Cooper, I think ;)

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  8. Aging ain't for sissies. Well written. I enjoyed it.

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  9. Fun little story. It's amazing how malleable the memory can be.

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  10. I know just what you mean. It can be downright jarring to see pictures of former classmates. I saw pictures of high school boyfriends and thought "Damn! What happened?" I guess I'm kind of shallow. lol I'm not exactly Heidi Klum. Far from it.
    But wow.

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  11. Ugh, Facebook makes it so hard for the past to stay in the past. Somehow, now that we can find anyone anytime we want, we are all running smack into the people we worked really hard to leave behind, or just to change into someone better in our memories...

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  12. Haha! Edward Norton. My memories of past crushes are less kind...

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  13. The book of face does this to me all the time. Like I'll whiz by someone in the newsfeed and do a double take and say omg is that the same person??

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  14. I only remember 1 from HS and friended (or he friended me can't remember which) on "the book of face" and he's still good looking....aging like Paul Newman or Sean Connery.... & his kids are gorgeous. It's the girls in school that used to bully us that I get a slight enjoyment in seeing them not age well. Is that wrong of me?

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