Decompressing

It had been a horrible business meeting. Lots of anger, accusation, and tears over who knows.  Drama. Territorial disputes over imaginary things.  I could feel the anger coming off of one person like a solar flare. The individual that she was really mad at was sitting right next to her, but there was no eye contact with that person. No, I got to have the fun, because I was sitting on the other side.  I got the evil eye. 

I ended up feeling personally attacked. 

I loathe passive aggressive behavior. It is unproductive in every situation. The real issue is never addressed, but by gosh, we all will suffer.  I am about positivity these days, and speaking up for myself. However, I am not in charge. So I had to listen while all that "stuff" was splattered on me.  When I walked out of the building and into the heat of the midday, I was still angry and tense, and I could hear myself muttering as I got into my car.  A cheeseburger was in order.  I went into the burger place and got in line, still feeling surly.  I realized that I needed to calm down before I went home, but how? 

And then I saw it. Through the window of the beer fridge. Shiner Bohemian Lager.  A wonderful and smooth beer, made in Texas. My favorite.  Should I have one?  I could say that I bought American, and not be lying. Should I have one?  I would have to wait for them to cook my food, anyway.  Should I have one?

Yes.  But I felt guilty about it. 

The teenager at the register was thankfully patient while I paid.  I was still having an inner dialogue about the beer issue. I put the beer down on the table and sat down. I stared at the bottle, a little bead of sweat on the neck. Nobody drinks beer before 5pm on a weeknight unless they are an alcoholic. Was I?  No. Where did this particular guilt come from?  I don't know.  Sometimes random things, a TV show, a movie, a book, becomes associated with an emotion, I suppose.  You carry it in the back of your mind, underneath a few scary childhood memories, and occasionally it jumps out like your garden variety boogeyman.

Bah.  

Live in the moment, I told myself.  I was off work and on my way home. I'd had a hard day, and I needed to sit and contemplate the wonder of things. One single beer was not a big deal. I picked up the bottle and took a sip. And another, just letting the taste roll over my tongue.  Every slow swallow took me one step away from the drama. The world did not looks so scary.

"Do you need anything, ma'am?" The manager asked me.  I took another sip.  She smiled.

"Are you decompressing, by any chance?"  .

I smiled. The idea that I might not be the only person dealing with other people's junk was the last push of distance I needed to break free of the horrible morning. Decompressing felt like the perfect word.  I smiled at her. She smiled back at me.

"Yes, I am decompressing," I replied, raising my bottle in a toast to her word choice.  I smiled at her. She smiled back at me.

"Take your time, then."  The manager walked back behind the counter, and I sat, and contemplated the wonder of things.

100 Word Challenge: Sorry Not Sorry

I've been told I don't apologize enough.  I do tend to focus on a solution to a problem, even when I am the problem. Saying "I'm sorry" technically isn't a solution.  I've been working on this, trying to say "mea culpa" more often. 

Except when I'm dealing with people who feel wronged, but say nothing, stewing over my secret sins. Some people just want put on the cloak of a martyr, and pull everyone else into their drama. I have an intense dislike for passive aggression.

Nope. Not happening.





In those cases, whatever I did, I am so not sorry.




The 100 word challenge is brought to you by Tara over at Thin Spiral Notebook. Go check her out!

Being Darth Sidious is Stupid

A month ago, Zane said or did something that upset another child when they were playing in the bouncy castle.  Stuff like that happens hourly between children.  Friendships are made, broken, and reformed multiple times an hour among kids.  It's how they learn to get along with each other.  Whatever happened, the parent got angry about it. 

When some people get angry about something, they speak with the person they are angry at.  They may take a moment to calm down and organize their thoughts, or they may just erupt like Vesuvius.  But they speak up.  They talk about it.  And we work it out.  Problem solved.  You always know where you stand with people like that, even if you don't like what they are saying. 

I like those people.

This particular parent did not say a word.  Plans were even floated for a movie date the next day.  She went home, Zane and his father went home.  We did not receive the respect of a phone call.  We did not receive a visit.  We did not receive a memo.  This woman was angry, but it was a secret. She was so secretive about her anger that we never had a clue.  We have been blissfully unaware, and likely happier for it.

The problem with secret anger?  Nobody knows about it. And if nobody knows about it, who can do anything?  We, as Zane's parents, are more than willing to dole out consequences when he does something wrong.  If we know of a problem, we try to fix it.  It's necessary to have these conflict resolution skills in order to navigate the world as an adult, so we try to model them appropriately for Zane.  Except what is the point of trying to give a consequence a month or more after the fact?  Zane doesn't even remember what he did yesterday, let alone a month ago.  With kids, you have to jump on their behavior pretty quick, so the point sinks in. 

When I get angry, I speak up in most cases(sometimes, I know that the problem is me, and I take a nap and get over it).  I let the person know that they've done something that bothers me, and I try to work it out.    But secret anger, or passive aggression, isn't necessarily something you can prepare your kids for.  It's Darth Sidious, spreading the web of malcontent that finally overthrew the Jedi.  If the Jedi had known that Darth Sidious was feeling so angry, maybe they would have brought balance to the Force by offering him a cookie or something.  We'll never know.

Secret anger isn't helpful or productive. The person you're angry at doesn't get to explain, or make amends, or anything. The passive aggressive person gets to hug their anger close, feel morally superior over being wronged, whatever...yet the person they're secretly angry at goes about their business without a clue. There's a feeling of power for the passive aggressive person, but nobody else gets a payoff. How is that productive? How does that improve the world?  It doesn't.

The only reason we know about the secret anger is that we made the egregious error of asking about another play date.  Snarky text messages led to an angry phone call, and we still aren't exactly sure about anything.  Except that we will not be interacting with this person anymore.  Our life is already chaotic enough right now between surgeries and other aspects of my cancer journey.  I need positive people in my life, people who challenge and encourage me.  I don't need to be running around apologizing to everyone, just in case they are secretly angry.  If anger is so important to a person that they would rather keep it to themselves, that's fine.  I'll go hang out with the happy, positive people, none the wiser.