Fear This

Over the past month, I've become afraid of the elevator in the building where I work. This should not be odd. People acquire anxieties over the years. I've worked in the same building for twenty years, however, and I've ridden that same elevator at least once every day that I've worked there. Ridden that elevator, which only goes up two floors, with no anxiety whatsoever for twenty years. And now all of a sudden I am afraid of the damned thing.

I am afraid that the elevator will break down with me inside it, even though the elevator has only broken down ONCE in the twenty years I've worked there. Once I start thinking that the elevator might break down, that thought is stuck in my head. Like white on rice, the saying goes. This triggers my latent claustrophobia, even when I am not actually IN the elevator. The claustrophobia makes me feel like there is no air in the elevator, even when I am not IN the elevator. That's right--all of my thoughts and fears about getting stuck on the elevator all occur when I am not actually ON the elevator.

I know what you're thinking. You are thinking to yourself that that is just about the craziest thing you've ever heard. You are trying to think of a polite way to step back slowly and run away very fast. You are concerned that this kind of crazy might well be contagious. You are wondering if someone else is typing this for me because the strait jacket is too binding to type. The reason I know what you're thinking is NOT due to in any way to the hat that I made out of tinfoil, but because I have thought all of those things, and more. I am an anxious person by nature, but I usually have the low-grade type of anxiety running in the back of my head. Not the "OMG! Heart attack!" sort.

I have no idea why I am suddenly afraid of an elevator. Of this particular elevator. At this particular time. Is it because of stress? Is it a medication issue? Is it sleep deprivation catching up to me? Is it my hormones? Is it somebody else's?

I even went to my family doctor to talk to him about it. I told him that this was unusual for me, this being afraid of inanimate objects such as elevators. I told him that I was not an over-the-top anxious person. I told him that this sudden fear bothered me, because it is not the usual for me. I remarked that I was forcing myself to get on that damned elevator just to prove to myself that I can. I spoke for a long time about why this bothered me, and my doctor listened. He's good about listening. He listened, and then he gave me his opinion.

"Take the stairs," he said. And he wrote me a prescription for Welbutrin, which he said had helped people get over their anxieties, obsessions, and general weirdness.

Okay, so he didn't say anything about general weirdness. But I know that's what he was thinking.

Elevators

Elevator riding is an act of faith, I've decided, no matter your religion or beliefs. Think about it.

An elevator is a box on a string, pulled up and let down by a motor. Pretty flimsy, really. Not much margin for error. Yet each day millions of people step into those boxes and trust that that string is going to stay strong and keep them safe while carrying them to their destination. Most of us step between those steel doors without paying any sort of attention, probably talking on our cell phones or texting, and just press a button. We never consider that, while in that little box stuffed with other people or not, we have given control of our lives to something insubstantial. Something that we never see, but keeps us from falling into the darkness. I occasionally wonder about that 'something', and I sometimes whisper a quick 'thank you' while I am riding.

What if the elevator deposited you where you needed to be instead of where you want to be? Would you demand to be let back on the elevator or let yourself wander around for a bit? Would you accept the elevator's decision regarding your needs or would you argue or fight about it? Would you expect the elevator to solve all your problems during the ride? What if you're afraid of the elevator and never have the faith needed to step into that box?

I probably think about things like this just a bit more than necessary.

And speaking of elevators, my friend Jillsmo over at Yeah. Good Times. is the awesome parent of a child with autism who likes trains and elevators, and since it is Autism Awareness Month, you should probably go and visit her blog. She has been guest posting on other blogs and answering questions and just being a wellspring of information. She might not like being called a 'wellspring', but there it is. Since Autism has been said to occur in 1:110 children, you probably know someone, or will know someone, who has autism. I think that is a darn good reason to read up on the topic!