Hot Coals

I am an impulsive speaker, and often I say the first thing that pops into my head.  As a result, sometimes people get upset with me for something I've said.  If someone calls me on it, I most likely will apologize.  I may not like what the person has to say, but I will at least listen, because they've shown me the respect of talking to me.  Sometimes I will try to explain what I meant, to emphasize that no malice was intended. 

But I can't correct my mistakes if I don't know about them.  

There are people out there who have been angry with me for something I've said, but they haven't ever said a word to me about it. One person has been angry at me about something that only she remembers, something that happened over ten years ago!  These people have said some pretty negative things about me, but never to me. 

I used to get upset about this.  I used to have hurt feelings, and cry, all because someone was angry at me and I had not the slightest clue why.  I would lie awake at night and wonder what I had done and how I could "fix" the problem.  And then one day, I decided that it wasn't worth the trouble.  It was a liberating decision.

Holding onto anger is like holding onto two hot coals, the saying goes.  The only person hurt in this situation is the one holding the anger within them. Part of good conflict resolution is talking with the person you have the conflict with. The right thing to do when someone does something that makes you angry or hurts you is to say something, such as "When you did/said___, I felt angry, because____."

If you are angry at someone, and you never say anything about it, never give the person a chance to explain or apologize, then the problem is YOU.  If you are so angry that you can't even talk about how angry you are, something else is at work.   If a person chooses not to do anything to address the reason for their anger, then we should wonder why, but we bear no responsibility for their issue at that point.  There's nothing for us to fix here.  If I don't even know there's a problem, it's not MY problem. 







 

Parenting by Example

We teach our kids that bullying of ANY kind is wrong.

We teach our kids that intolerance of ANY kind is wrong.

Do we really believe that? Do we truly practice what we preach? Or do we just tell the kids that just to make ourselves feel better? Do as I say and not as I do, in other words?

If we say that bullying is wrong, but push people around(figuratively or literally), THAT is what a child learns.

If we say that intolerance is wrong, but act with hatred toward anyone who doesn't agree with us, THAT is what a child learns.

If we say that conflicts need to be resolved, but refuse to talk to our cousin Merle because he borrowed our lawnmower and broke it, THAT is what a child learns.

Children are always watching, always listening. They are taking their cue from their parents and the adults around them, but they soon forget what you say to them. They never forget what the see you DO. Actions speak louder than words is not just a pithy quote; it is a stone-cold truth.

There is bullying, intolerance, and much more happening right now in the public eye in politics. I am not going to get into who is right and who is wrong, because I tend to get rant-y over idiocy. Democrats declared Republicans to be stupid conservatives who--gasp!--hate the poor, children, and puppies. Republicans declared Democrats to be stupid liberals who--gasp!--hate capitalism and cats. If you don't believe as I do then you are evil and must be destroyed and I will never, ever agree with you is the message that I get out of all that. It extends outside of Washington.

What do children think when they see their parent stop driving just to rip an Obama bumper sticker off of someone's car? What do children think, when they see their parent start screaming obscenities at the grocery cashier because she is wearing a pro-life button? What do children think, when they hear the preacher at their church declare every Sunday that anyone who is gay or Muslim or whatever is going to hell, and watch their parents nod in agreement?

Should it really be do as I say, not as I do for something this important?

All the anti-bullying programs.

All the tolerance training.

All the effort.

Negated by the behavior of the adults around them.

If we truly believe that it is wrong to be intolerant of others, then we need to do more than tell our children that. We need to BE what we tell them, and parent by example. Be the change you want to see in the world, the saying goes. If you want your kids to learn to be tolerant, loving people... be a loving, tolerant person yourself. The children are watching.