A World Without Lines

See that line? That yellow rope? That boundary drawn for the express purpose of keeping people away from touching the extremely expensive, one of a kind trains? If you look closely, you can just see the speculative look on my son's face. Just seconds after I snapped this picture, Zane was underneath that yellow rope, heading for that train. Without my husband's well-timed ankle grab, things would not have ended well.

My kid is generally a well-behaved child, interested in anything and everything around him. He says "Yes, ma'am." He follows most rules and routines. Yet when he sees a "line" of any kind, any sort of barrier, it's an open invitation. His eyes positively light up at the challenge. It is almost physically impossible for him to refrain from at least attempting to move beyond any sort of physical boundary. My sister-in-law told us a story once about how she put up one of those gates to keep Zane in the living room. Zane sat there in front of the gate, just staring at it. Then he stood up, grabbed the gate and started rocking with it, until the gate fell down. At the time, I marveled at my child being smart enough to figure out how to get the gate down. Now I wonder.

There are very definitely some boundaries that are not supposed to be crossed, no matter how challenging they may be. There's a reason that there's a gate around Fort Knox, for example. Some doors are locked because what is behind them is dangerous. I would hope that Zane will understand that very fine distinction, and so far he seems to hear us when we tell him that he might get hurt. And yet...

Galileo(or was it Copernicus?) was shown the boundary, established by the Church, that said the sun rotated around the earth. He ignored that boundary, and discovered that the earth went around the sun instead. The first surgeon ignored the boundaries of his time, which did not allow for opening up the body to look for illness. The first explorers of the world ignored the conventional wisdom that said the world was flat. Every 'first', every creator, every explorer, every theorist, pushed past a boundary to find something new. In these cases, not recognizing a boundary led to something wonderful. That is what I would hope for my son's future; that he see boundaries as something to push over and move past. At least, those boundaries which are not going to get him arrested.

There are lots of 'boundaries' in our lives, and most of them, like 'don't stick your finger in an electrical outlet', are there for a good reason. But what if we ignored some of those established boundaries? the ones that seem arbitrary and archaic. Useless. When those boundaries are breached, it seems almost mystical. Maybe if we listen to that voice inside us that says "Ignore this boundary" on occasion, maybe something miraculous will come of it.

Today, I am going to be daring and push past an established boundary. I am not sure what it will be, or how grand my gesture will be. Maybe I'll spend the day saying exactly what I think. Or maybe I'll just loudly fart in a public place. It'll depend on what I have for lunch.

Irrevocable

I like to enjoy reading the paper. I like to sit quietly at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of coffee, and read as many stories as I can before my son demands my attention. This morning, I read a news brief that stated that a 21 year old man had been charged with briefly choking an 11 year old boy at a daycare.

My son's daycare.

We knew the guy. He was one of the guys who would supervise the kids while they were outside once the classes are combined. For the uninitiated, as kids are picked up and the numbers thin out, it is a common practice to combine classes to allow teachers the opportunity to clean up their classrooms or talk to parents. The daycare workers are not allowed to yell, reprimand, spank, or use punitive measures such as time out. In other words, they don't really have a lot of options when it comes to discipline. Mr. Ryan seemed nice, he was nice to Zane, and he was polite to us. Yet this same man committed a crime. I have to wonder what put him over the edge, but at the same time I really don't care. He broke the very law that allows us to entrust our children to others. He violated a boundary. Boundaries are extremely important to all of us, but they are especially important to a child.

I often think of boundaries as that yellow line on the floor of a bus. You aren't supposed to cross that yellow line while the bus is in motion. Children(and adults, too) thrive when they know where the yellow line is. If they can trust that if they cross that line there will be someone there to help them, they feel safe. Children trust adults to help them learn the boundaries they need to survive the world. There is a measure of safety and trust that comes from knowing that an adult respects the boundaries of a child.

And adults are never to take advantage of that trust. They also must never break that trust. There is no trust when boundaries are not respected. There is no feeling of safety when the boundaries are not respected. If a child does not trust the adults in their lives because their boundaries were not respected, then that child has no faith in the boundaries around them. They no longer trust the statements of authority figures. They no longer trust in laws. They can't trust the boundaries of others, therefore all boundaries are suspect, including their own. People who have no boundaries are both scared and scary; if you don't know where the line is drawn, how do you know when you've crossed it?

I feel bad for this man for his loss of control, but he will no longer be working with children. I worry about the child he choked more, because that boy was actually testing the boundaries with his behavior. How this is handled by his parents, however, will spell the difference between a healthy view of what happened and a downward spiral into perpetual victimhood. This boy's trust in the world has been irrevocably broken, and that breaks my heart a little.

I Am Not My Son's Friend

The other day, I asked Zane to pick up his toys, and when he refused, we had words.

"I am not your friend, Mama!" Zane stomped off--to pick up his toys.

"Good," I fired back. "I am not your friend, either. I am your Mama."

Parents can fill many roles in their children's lives: coach, teacher, cheerleader, mentor, confidant, nurse, protector, and hug-giver. Moms can stand-in for Dads, and Dads can stand-in for Moms. The one role that a parent can never be, however, is a friend.

A friend is an equal. A buddy. A partner in crime, occasionally.

There is no equality in a successful Parent-Child relationship. At least not until the Child has become an Adult. Sometimes not even then.

A parent has the extremely important and powerful responsibility, however 'not cool' it may be, of providing a safe place for their children to grow. Children rely on the adults in their lives to teach them the boundaries in life, what is expected of them. If a child understands that there are boundaries, rules, etc., and that their parent is there to make sure those boundaries are respected, then the child feels safe. They need a parent for this, not a friend.

Parents are the Gatekeepers in their children's lives. Parents are the ones who have been through most of the things that their children are going through as they grow up, and know how to help. The ones who set the boundaries. The ones who must say 'No' to their children, and mean it. Sometimes that is not fun, or glamorous, or cool. Sometimes it means hearing some horrible things from a child, but that doesn't change the reality. Being a parent means making the hard choices for your children, not the easy choice. When you are a parent and are making decisions for your child, there can be no path of least resistance.

If you can't be the heavy, if you can't draw lines and consistently maintain the boundaries for your children to keep them safe as they grow, then DO. NOT. HAVE. KIDS. And if you already have kids and you can't do these things, grow the hell up and start drawing those lines in the sand. Be a parent.

It is as simple as that.