Time To Breathe

I come from a military family. The military is all about promptness. If you are a soldier and you are supposed to be somewhere at 0500 hours, you darn well better be there or there would be consequences. My father took that promptness habit very seriously. That means that if we were supposed to be somewhere at ten in the morning, we were there a half hour early. I was always the last one ready to go. I hated having to sit around and wait for anything, and I would do everything I could to delay. I was a kid with no intention of watching the clock, ever.

My parents were determined, however. As a result of their endeavors, I have become a bit of a clock-watcher. I always wear a watch so I know what time it is and how much time I have to be where ever I am supposed to be. I also always feel like I am rushing from one place to another. That rushed, stressed feeling brings to mind a song I heard a long time ago, by Alabama. (Don't judge me--I like the old country)

I'm in a hurry to get things done
I rush and rush until life's no fun.
All I really gotta do is live and die,
But I'm in a hurry and don't know why.

I'll bet that most of you have this Pink Floyd song in your head!

Run, rabbit Run
Dig that hole, catch the sun
When at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

Even though I work in education, I don't usually have my entire summer off like teachers do. I usually end up with days scheduled here and there throughout, so that I work a couple of days a week. I never really feel like I have a break, because I don't have time to get used to being off of work. Add to that our 'summer' hours, which are from 7:30am to 5:00 Mondays through Thursdays, and it makes everything worse.

This summer, I had the entire month of July off. I arranged all the days that I had to work in June, and I don't have to be back at work until August 8th. I worried about this time off. I thought, what is a clock-watcher like me to do with all that unscheduled time? How will I be able to let go and just relax until it is time to return to work?

It was suspiciously easy.

I took off my watch. I put my calendar away. I haven't looked at either of them until recently, when I discovered that my watch battery had expired. I suppose that it died of loneliness, since I unceremoniously dumped it on the counter in the bathroom. I lost all feel of time passing. Only when I happened to glance at the wall clock would I notice what time it was. It was kind of liberating, to lose awareness of the number of hours in the day.

My family did just fine without me to remind them of events or the time. We left when we wanted and since I didn't care what time we got to our destination, I wasn't screaming at anyone to hurry. I wasn't hurrying myself along, either. It was miraculous how unchained I felt!

I slept late when I wanted.

I went to bed when I wanted.

I read all day long on a couple of occasions. I've actually lost count of the number of books I was finally able to read.

I worked on my beading and jewelry making.

I surfed the web, and I blogged.

And most importantly, I spent time with my family. We went on two mini-vacations together. We went to the movies together. We played Rock Band. We played Lego Batman and Robin. We even went swimming, because I finally felt relaxed enough that I could put on a swim suit and get in the pool with my boy. I actually swam across the pool a couple of times! It has been glorious to be cut loose from those things that make me feel tied up and cornered. My time off has been much more relaxing this summer, and I've been able to breathe.

But it will soon be August 8th, and I will have to reattach myself to the time. It is necessary for work--I have to be on time to collect a paycheck, and other people count on me to be on time to appointments, meetings, staffings, observations, etc.
There's a reason they call it the "Grind". Can I keep this feeling of summer, this feeling of relaxation?

Probably not.

Not Every Day At Work is a Perfect One

I seriously thought about calling in sick today, which is my clue that I'm feeling like I'm in a rut.  The only thing that kept me from picking up the phone is the fact that I would have to deal with my MIL, who is essentially living here for going on two years(when someone asks if they can stay with you, just until they "get back on their feet", say NO).   So I got up, got dressed, and went to work.  It wasn't all downhill from there, but there were some definite low points, including a lovely bbq dinner at the Salt Lick in Driftwood that never happened(I know that it is Lent, but I think that God understands that good bbq is an exception, since He invented that wonderful, melt in your mouth experience).

I got written up for not going to some meeting that was held after work hours when all parents should be at home spending time with their children; I haven't gone to this particular after hours meeting for the last five or six years, but this is the first time I've been written up for it. This activity fell under "other duties as assigned", which is a cheap-assed way of getting employees to do arbitrary things like mowing your lawn.  If I lived in the town where I worked, if I got staff development credit, or if I were presenting at this meeting, I would probably have no problems with attending.  For years, I worked weekends that I didn't have to, stayed late to do trainings, and did lots of "extras" that I never even got a thank you for, although I did get a "stipend" of like 50 bucks a month after taxes. Seriously, what is the point?  So I feel like I've done my time and I should have a little leeway.

Now I have a child and my evenings during the week are sacrosanct.  I am tired when I walk in the door, but spending time with Zane is stress relief, mostly.  We cuddle and play and it's pure heaven for me.  There would have to be a darn good reason for me to miss out on that, and driving all the way back to work to be a seat warmer is not a good reason.  So it's highly likely that I will be written up next year for the very same reason.  And that is okay with me.  I take responsibility for my choices, and I choose to be with my son.  I don't think that my boss understands that she's making herself look bad by suddenly holding people accountable when she never has before, but I've told her over and over that she needed to start writing people up, and if I am one of those people who needs to be held accountable, that's what should happen.  I would be the worst sort of hypocrite if I expected others to be written up, but not me.   I may not like the rules, but there they are. 

I really would like to work in a place where I spend the majority of my time working with kids.  That's why I got the degree in school psychology in the first place.  Instead I spend a LOT of time doing...clerical work.  That's right.  I spend about three days out of five scheduling meetings, filling out notices, putting notices in envelopes, addressing envelopes, and calling parents to remind them about whatever it was that I mailed to them.  Some of that time is also spent putting papers together, making copies, and sending those copies to various individuals.   It sucks, to be blunt.  

*sigh*  I am glad that today is Friday so I can get my "roll with the flow" attitude back, at least for one more week until Spring Break.