Thursday, August 30, 2018

I Had To Be Pretentious.

I will be the first person to tell you that I am an impulse buyer.  This is mostly because I hate waiting in line, and I will do most anything to distract myself, including throwing items that I don't really need into the basket.  Sometimes I just amuse myself by reading the label, or the expiration date, or the happy little hooks on the package that make you want to purchase the item.

This is Diamond Water.  Diamond Water is an alkaline water that is currently all the rage for some strange, archaic explanation having to do with magnets or chakras. It is bottled in a secret grotto where all the cool angelic beings have timeshares, judging by the package.  The top of the bottle is shaped like a 40-Carat round stone that would make Eva Gabor jealous.  It is a nice looking bottle, I have to admit. I was intrigued.

Further perusing the package, I found that Diamond Water is processed via reverse osmosis.  That gave me pause.  There are tons of much cheaper waters out there which use reverse osmosis. It's a pretty consistent theme in the water business.  But I thought that reverse osmosis was a bit plebian for such a fancy water in such a fancy package.  So what makes this particular waster special?

According to the back of the bottle, all Diamond Water is passed through seven dimensions of the Heavenly Hosts.  Just kidding! That's is not what happens.  To give Diamond Water it's claim to fame, the makers of said product walk around their factory carrying a diamond, which is used to provide "light and energy".  The water is basically blessed by the presence of a diamond. You indeed read that correctly.

My brain had questions, of course.  Questions such as whether this particular 'chic' water had any particular powers to off us.  Could it cure cancer and other illnesses?  Can we cook two roasts at the same time? Does drinking this water make more pretentious that the top 1%?  Probably not, but WHAT IF!  Could I actually become a pretentious windbag?  Would that lead to fame and fortune, or cankles?

I purchased a bottle, because it was ON SALE.  ON SALE is the universal lure for an impulse buyer like me.  I had to have it. Just one bottle

Enquiring minds want to know.  I sat down in my car, holding the bottle. Did I feel pretentious and superior to my fellow man?  Was I about to turn into Thurston Howell the III?  Who knew?  The anticipation was high.

I opened the bottle, raised it to my lips.  I drank a huge gulp.  It tasted like...water. I burped loudly  I assumed that that's what the rich people do when they drink pretentious  water.  However, I was disappointed. At no time while drinking Diamond Water did I feel particularly pretentious, or superior.  I felt  Only rehydrated. 

That counts, right?


  1. hehe, good observations. I think I'll pass on the water. I'm having the sausage links I bought on sale yesterday. I guess sausage would be the Baptist version of a diamond water. Cheers.

  2. I felt

    So... the diamond that you are? ;)

  3. Hopefully you can still associate with us commonfolk!


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