Sunday, December 20, 2015

I've Been Downhearted

I've been in a funk lately.  It's expected, since it's December, and I always get down at this time of the year.  It's mostly seasonal, with a little anxiety and grief thrown in for good measure. There's so much pressure to be "merry", and I just can't keep up with it.  I'm an introvert who needs to recharge her social battery much more often these days.  There's also an unspoken feeling that I am suddenly supposed to become this housewife extraordinaire, who can whip up forty dozen cookies while simultaneously filling out Christmas cards.  The people around me seem to have purchased and wrapped all their presents. They've planned their holidays out well in advance. 

We haven't even put up the tree. 

And of course I'm worried about money.  Cancer doesn't just eat up parts of your life and leave.  It also hits you in the bank account.  I have good health insurance, but there are still co-pays and deductibles and I don't even know what else yet, because I'm still getting bills in the mail.  I even got a bill from the robot assistant that did my hysterectomy. And I've still got at least two more surgeries coming up in 2016.  I'm not a person who normally worries about money, so this is a new experience.  All the "what ifs" pile on top of me, and it gets difficult to breathe.

So I've been down, and of course I've wanted to write about being down.  When I've sat down in front of the screen to type, however, no words were there.  I finally gave up and decided to let everything stew for a bit, which is why I haven't been around lately.  I just needed a break to reboot.

And then some of my friends started a Go Fund Me page, which made me cry, because I'm not used to people doing nice things for me.  Everyone has been so wonderful during this whole ordeal, sending me encouragement, hugs, and even chocolate.  Living in the moment sometimes means pulling yourself out of the darkness.  Sometimes I get so focused on being sad that I miss some good things, but my friends gave me a boost this time.  I know I'll be my usual happy self very soon. 

And I am grateful. 

2 comments:

  1. Oh friend...I have been thinking of you, and sending happy healing thoughts.

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  2. I send you many many hugs from across the seas. I cannot imagine what you must be going through, my dear. Staying strong in such trying times can be really difficult. Very glad you have friends who look out for you. Hope you come out of this fighting and fit really soon. May the holidays bring good health, cheer and financial wellness too. My prayer for you this Christmas.

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