As I was counting the mold colonies in my shower the other day, I started thinking about a few things that I can't do, but that I wish that I could do. Like smack idiots upside the head with my mind. That would be a cool trick, don't you think? Certainly it would be a trick that would become quite valuable during staff meetings or political events.
Or maybe I wish that I could do the splits like Jean Claude Van Damme. Like Jean Claude Van Damme in that Volvo commercial. (google it) It's not really a marketable skill, so I wouldn't be able to earn a living doing the splits. But it looks so very cool. I'd be showing off at parties with that trick, you can bet!
What I'd really like to be able to do is the One Eyebrow Stare. I'm sure that the anthropologists have a scientific name for it. You know the look I am talking about--the one where a person raises only ONE eyebrow, as if questioning your very existence with their facial expression. It can convey disdain, surprise, curiosity, annoyance, and a ton of other emotions, with just one lift of the left or right eyebrow.
When Betty Davis did her magnificent stare with that raised eyebrow, the object of her scorn felt cut to the bone. When Spock raised an eyebrow, you knew he was about to say something completely logical. When Steve Austin raised a brow, you knew something bionic was going to happen, even before that weird sound effect showed up to tell you. People who can raise one eyebrow are just plain cool. Sean Connery can do the One Eyebrow Stare--that's totally how he got to be James Bond, who has to be one of the coolest characters ever.
I need something like that. While I applaud my emotional consistency, I get bored with my facial expressions. They have the sameness of a Labrador dog, always smiling. I would love to be able to glare disdainfully while raising one of my eyebrows mockingly, but it's not happening for me.
I've tried. Hours were spent staring in the mirror, attempting eyebrow quirkiness. I even taped one eyebrow down, so it would learn to stay calm while the other one rose to the occasion. What I learned from that experience was that duct tape functions much as a pair of tweezers do when confronted with eyebrow hair. Facial muscles are not really all that interested in change, and short of a botox event, will not adapt their movements to suit my interests.
Which is a shame. Every day I find myself in situations where I would use that One Eyebrow Stare, such as at the store when someone cuts in line. Or when a student makes a smartypants comment. Or when my son tries to tell me that "het" actually spells "hat". It would be great.
Is there any thing that you wish that you could do?