Prompt: For this week, I’m offering you this opening line:
“Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane.”
Previous visits with these characters are here and here.
Two men appeared out of nowhere, a few yards apart in the narrow, moonlit lane. As his wings folded quickly behind him, Boone had a brief moment to watch Melchior materialize from the shadows in front of him. The man moved toward him, the shadows grew cold tendrils which slithered over the ground, pulling life out of everything it touched. Even the moonlight seemed to falter. The creeping darkness curled around Boone's legs before his innate warmth drove it back. The nauseating stench of a freshly opened corpse seemed suspended in the air around Melchior, but Boone took two steps forward anyway.
"You wanted to meet?" The muscles in Boone's jaw twitched as he fought his revulsion.
Melchior seemed to inhale the shadows around him, his yellow eyes glaring as his body seemed to become larger and more solid. Malevolence animated the man, despite his great age.
"Why did you return the money from our contract?" Melchior's breath hissed in the air, and carried his voice back toward Boone.
"The engagement was broken," Boone's voice was flat, impassive. He breathed in shallowly through his mouth, which helped. "I returned your money, since there is no longer a need to kill the woman."
Melchior coughed harshly.
"I do not care if there is a need," he barked. "I want her dead."
"Why?" Boone asked. "She poses no threat. Your son will find someone else."
The air around Melchior seemed to shimmer, his anger a living creature encircling him.
"She consorts with dragons!" he spat.
"Dragons?" Boone snorted, a mistake. His hands fisted, even as he kept his voice even. "Have you been smoking that medicinal marijuana, old man?"
"If you won't kill her, I will find someone else! That woman must die." Coughing harshly, he seemed to collapse in on himself, his body disappearing as the shadows collected themselves around him. When the darkness was a solid mass, it began shrinking out of existence, taking its foulness with it.
Boone waited, his whole body clenched, until the mass of darkness was swallowed and the moonlight returned to its former brightness completely before he leaned over and threw up.
See, now I just want more....
ReplyDeleteWow! Loved the detail about Boone's twitching jaw. This evoked worry and wondering for me, meaning, Ahh! What will happen next?
ReplyDeleteYou did something here I haven't seen yet with the prompt, taking the two men and using the "yards apart" to put them on opposite sides of a situation. I liked that a lot.
ReplyDeleteThis line is a perfect descriptor:
Even the moonlight seemed to falter.
I don't think you need this:
despite his great age
When Boone calls him "old man" later in the piece, it has a great enough impact that you don't need it in there twice.
Great job with this.
I know this prompt wasn't about description but that's what I love the most about this piece. Your descriptiOns were so very well done. I also enjoyed the suspense you built in this short scene.
ReplyDeleteOoh the plot thickens, which is the point, and executed well. I love that his anger became its own life form, brilliant!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing scene since I seem to have forgotten a lot of Boone's story. I know I have read some of it but I think I have missed parts.
ReplyDeleteNice development of the characters: the evilness, the fear Boone clearly has of this man, despite his bravado.
My only critique is this line: The man moved toward him, the shadows grew cold tendrils which slithered over the ground, pulling life out of everything it touched.
It's doesn't flow. I think it's more of a comma splice as is. Perhaps "The man moved toward him, his shadow cold tendrils which slithered over the ground, pulling life out of everything it touched." ??
You are exactly right! That sentence bothered me tremendously, but I was tired and didn't think it through. Thank you!
DeleteI love the imagery you use and the mood you evoke in this piece. I think your description of Melchior's anger ("the air around Melchior seemed to shimmer, his anger a living creature encircling him") is really lovely. I'm looking forward to reading more of this story! Very nice work.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting characters you are developing here! I haven't read the previous bits, but I am nevertheless hooked.
ReplyDeleteMy concrit is over the "medicinal marijuana" line - just seemed a little out of touch. Melchior seems to truly emit evil from every pore. Don't think he needs it or that Boone would say it! :)
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ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this image from (Tina) Not Just Another Mother Blogger. Her word choices make the mundane new. We've all seen and felt the intensity of a painful cough. It is like collapsing in on oneself. This description is very relatable and yet, I never thought of it quite that way.