Friday, May 4, 2012

WOE: Laughter is the Great Healer

Prompt: This week, focus on dialogue and body language to set a scene or move a story forward, limiting your use of narration.  You have 450 words, beginning with the line: His crossed arms answered her question before he spoke.   I tried to avoid narration completely, believing that cold turkey might be best, and I am not sure how this went.  Unlike Christian Grey, I'm not all that into spanking, so be gentle!


His crossed arms answered her question before he spoke; David wouldn't look at her. 


"Yes."


Miriam hugged herself tightly, chin on her chest, unprepared. 


"Why?" her voice sounded muffled, suffocated.  He imagined that she was biting her lip to keep from crying, when tears might have saved them.  David bluntly wielded the death blow. 


"Because she is not you."  He stood rigid and stared straight ahead.

Miriam collapsed to her knees, her hands thrown out to land on all fours.  Her body seemed to be seized by the force of his words, shaking silently.   David sighed in irritation, but remained where he was. 


"What did you expect, Miriam? You're such a cold bitch, and I have needs," his voice was loud in the room as he stared down at her. "Half the time it felt like I was making love to a dead fish!"  

The sudden whoop startled him.  Miriam fell to her side, clutching her stomach, laughing and gulping air.  She looked up at David and collapsed into laughter once more. Several minutes passed, then Miriam, giggling, pulled herself up to stand in front of David, out of breath.  She leaned on the back of the couch for support.


"Not me--? Hahahaha---" She could not stop giggling. "--But David--hahaha-- dear--you are still YOU!"  Another fit of laughter overtook her.  


She was still laughing as he walked out. 





13 comments:

  1. Ouch - Nicely done. Great dialogue throughout. Miriam's last line is quite a zinger.

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  2. She got him!!!! Good story!

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  3. Ha! Now I'm giggling. I think you did just fine without narration. I love the whoop of laughter after David's resigned himself to tears and drama.

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  4. That rat bastard. He deserved the whoop.

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  5. Nice twist. The dialogue is perfect and the laughter! Love your take on the prompt!

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  6. Great use of dialogue! I hung on every word- wanting to see what was going to happen!

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  7. Nice. I can picture this scene happening. I, too, love the twist with the build up hinting at tears and drama when she's actually laughing hysterically.

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  8. Oooh, ik love the creative stuff you conjure up!

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    1. I think you should try your hand at this, too. You would be great!

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  9. The twist was great, and you did this in such a compact form. I'd love to see what's going on in her head, to smooth the transition from falling apart from betrayal to falling apart with laughter. Like everyone else, I have to say: the last line is great!

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  10. Nice twist....

    The only thing that I have a little bit of trouble with, and I'm entire sure what I'd do differently though....is her laughter in the second to last line...where you've typed out the "hahaha"s -- that seems a little forced to me? I'm not even sure forced is the right word.

    The first 'hahahaha' could go away entirely, I think, because you stop her words and put in that she is giggling. I think maybe the 2nd one good go away, too, and just let your hyphens stand in for the pauses she is having to take to laugh and breath. We *know* she is laughing, I'm not sure you need to type in the laughter.

    "Not me--?" She could not stop giggling. "--But David -- dear -- you are still YOU!" Another fit of laughter overtook her.

    That's my 2 cents, you may take it for what it is worth. :)

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    1. You are right. Thank you for your help!

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