Friday, February 24, 2012

Write on Edge: Violence

Prompt:  As writers, we fall in love with our characters and shield them from negative events. But effective plot development demands conflict.  This week we’d like you to stir up some conflict, using the following quote as inspiration.
It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948) 
This is continuation of this storyline.  I kind of felt that they went together.

"You owe me a new stereo, Andy."

I stood in the middle of my living room, panting from my exertion and my outrage, my hands curled into fists. I wanted to punch something. Somebody. I realized that Andy was talking to me; I hadn't been listening.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Zenna?"  Andy's voice was raised, his face red. 

"Excuse me?" I managed to keep my voice level.

"You've been standing there with your mouth hanging open, not listening to a thing I've said!  How could you be so rude?"

"You're going to have to do better than this." Andy continued.  "I have clients to impress."

I faced him.  My anger had been smelted into a white hot element composed of all the hurtful comments, the snide insults, all the little snips and cuts that had happened throughout our entire relationship.

"Maybe if you weren't so hideously boring," I heard myself say, "you wouldn't need me to impress your clients."

The right side of my face seemed to burst into flame and then I was falling.  I put my hands out, and the sound of my collarbone breaking was a shot in the sudden quiet.  The pain careened through my nervous system to collide with my brain. Panting, I pushed myself into a sitting position.

"Oh my God, Zenna!  Oh my God!" I glared at him with the eye that wasn't swelling shut. His face was white, his eyes huge and round.

"You can't tell anybody about this, Zenna! I'll be arrested--I'll lose my job!"  His voice had that wheedling quality that I loathed.

"Get out." I had to clench my teeth to speak, which made the side of my face throb even more. "Get out of my house. Right. Now."


15 comments:

  1. My anger had been smelted into a white hot element composed of all the hurtful comments, the snide insults, all the little snips and cuts that had happened throughout our entire relationship.

    I love this line. Snips and cuts. That describes the breakdown of a hurtful relationship so perfectly. I could feel the pain running through her too. Fantastic job.

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  2. This really grabbed my attention. I can't wait to go back and read the rest of the storyline.

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    1. Thank you! I was rather surpised at myself.

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  3. The description of the the collarbone snaping made me cringe well done.

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  4. Very nice. It hooked me right away.

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  5. Whoa...talk about acting before you think. That guy NEEDS to be in jail. He's too dangerous. I hope she gets him locked up.

    Loved this: The right side of my face seemed to burst into flame and then I was falling. It's so visceral

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    1. Thank you. Since I've never actually been punched in the face, I had to wing it a little. I wasn't sure if it was over the top or not.

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  6. such a good description of the pain - made my skin crawl just reading it.

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  7. Oh yes, you nailed it. Damn that was intense. Quick, like the punch she got to her face. Wow!!

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  8. Your writing is so vivid , it honestly leaves me breathless and standing here with my mouth open.

    So many parts of this were so well put the words leap off the page.

    Wow!!!! (I really love the way you write)

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    1. Thank you so much! Coming from you, this is very high praise indeed.

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  9. Wow! I wish I had an ounce of what you have when I was writing mine. You did such a wonderful job describing the feeling and sensation of being hit. Really great stuff. Nice job! Wow!

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  10. I totally felt the pain she felt at the first hit! Great job!

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  11. Whew!!! That was something else. Well done!

    Love the word choice "hideously boring" and think your choice never to say "And he slapped her" very strong way to show, not tell.

    minor editorial note:
    "You've been standing there with your mouth hanging open, not listening to a thing I've said! How could you be so rude? [[ remove the quotation mark at the end here, because the same speaker continued in the next line ]]

    "You're going to have to do better than this." Andy continued. "I have clients to impress."

    -Barbara @ de rebus, via Write on Edge
    www(dot)derebus(dot)net/home/?p=397

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I welcome comments, but reserve the right to correct your spelling because I am OCD about it!