Monday, January 30, 2012

The A-List: Conversation Killers

In polite society, which I firmly believe is imaginary,  one is expected to keep away from incendiary or icky topics in conversation.  It's a good rule, and it exists for a reason.   Discussions with people you've just met should be pleasant so that these people will want to converse with you a second, or even a third time.   In addition to keeping the topics of conversation pleasant, there should be reciprocity.  You speak a few sentences or ask a question, then the other person gets a turn.  It is surprising to me that not everyone know this, or maybe they just choose to ignore what they've been taught.  We've all been trapped by the person who talks nonstop as we try to back away from them. 

People talk to me.  I don't really know why; I guess that I have that sort of a look about me that says I will listen.  Most of the time I will listen, because people can be very interesting(and I can use what they say on my blog!).  Having conversations with random strangers and vague acquaintances, I often learn something new.  For example, I've learned such tidbits as the Chinese have nuclear bombs underneath Times Square and that all the bar codes on the products we buy all start with 666 because of some scheme of the devil worshippers.   I've also been told that Catholics are not really Christians, and that Hillary Clinton is the antichrist.  I usually just nod a lot at these times, and try to beat as hasty a retreat as possible.  But I think that I've suffered enough.  

If you bring these following subjects up in every day conversations, expect silence and the silliest "WTF?" face you have ever seen.  Please take the hint and change the subject.   I understand this will not work on people with no awareness of nonverbal social cues, in which case I will probably just walk away.  If I cannot walk away, I will put my hands over my ears and begin reciting every nursery rhyme I can remember in order to prevent my ears from bursting into flame.

Politics and/or Religion    I am totally cool with having intellectual, adult conversations about these two topics. By intellectual, adult conversations, I mean that both people speak their opinions unemotionally and don't automatically discount what the other person is saying just because they don't agree.  I used to have tons of these conversations in college, but in the years following college it seemed that everyone lost their damn minds when it came to anything involving these particular topics.  I have my own very strong opinions on these two topics, but I also have a strong aversion to forcing my opinions on everyone else, so I keep my mouth shut.  Too bad not everyone shares my aversion. 

Weight/Diet  I am glad that you have lost 65.47 pounds by eating nothing but lard.  Go you.  I don't want to hear about it.  I especially don't want to hear about it from people who weigh less than a hundred pounds.  I am a round shaped human who has never met a doughnut that I couldn't consume in less than two seconds.  I am doing good to lose a pound a week by depriving myself of chocolate and sweating to oldies.  While this person is going on and on about the many ways that lard can be used as a weight-loss aid, I am contemplating a dozen ways to hurt them that would burn enough calories to allow me enough points for some chocolate.  

Vaginas  Unless your chosen profession is gynecology, there is no reason for anyone to bring up the topic of vaginas.  I'm not talking about the topic of sex.  I am talking about vaginas, the anatomical kind, not the metaphorical kind.  I don't want to hear about them.  I don't want the specifics regarding it's moisture level.  I especially don't want to hear about the yeast. 

Colons/Hemorrhoids  I have a relative.  When we ask this particular relative how she is doing, she interprets "How are you?" to mean "How is your colon?"  She then tells me all about her colon, even when we are at the dinner table.  I've even been subjected to pictures!   Her colon is like an extension of herself, I suppose. All I can say about that is, Ew.   Just don't talk about your butt around me. Please!

Any other conversation killers out there?


  1. Oh my word, woman... This is exactly what I needed to wake up to! LOL, round shaped woman. I prefer to call MYSELF fluffy thank you very much! And I concur about the donuts so long as you change the word donut to "chocolate anything." I could be chocolate dipped dog shit and you know what, I'd consider it.

    I've lost quite a few friends and family members on the religion side because I just.don' I DON'T! "I'm so glad you love Jesus, me too! Just quit shoving your ridiculous view of things down mine and/or my children's throats!"

    Love you! And let's talk about vagina's sometime. I used to sell some pretty fabulous products to keep things FRESH! and MOIST!

  2. Comparing your kid to mine-- that'll guarantee a quick retreat on my part. I don't care that your child is 6 months younger than mine and is ONLY 2 inches shorter. And I don't care that my son doesn't seem interested in talking while yours won't shut up. Nor do I care to hear how much your kid LOVES going to the potty so skip your tips on how to potty train mine. It's one thing to just talk to me about your kid but leave mine the heck out of it!!

    And I've got a 'let me tell you about my bowel and rectum issues' family member. It's so awkward. And annoying. How does anyone think that's okay to talk about?? I'm not your spouse or your mama. Please stop traumatizing me and my children.

  3. thank you!

    Donuts...yes, please!


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