Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Difficult Choice

After all the tests, the stress test, the heart monitor, the echocardiogram...I finally got to see the doctor this afternoon.  He looked a bit unkempt, but he said that he had a cold, so that might be part of it.  He had also kept us waiting for about an hour.  So that went into the minus column.  He seemed friendly enough and he explained things very well, which was a plus.  Essentially he told me that in every heart there is a sort of A straight to B circuit in the heart that keeps things moving along.  What I had was a sort of Y circuit, which creates a problem called tachycardia.  I'd probably had this wiring since birth, it just hadn't had a reason to manifest until now.  It's not dangerous, just annoying. 

I asked about the other tests, but Dr. B didn't want to talk about those.  He wanted to talk about what to do about my wiring problem and he didn't need those other reports to do that.  (another minus)  He gave me my choices: do nothing, continue to do what I was doing(taking medication), or have an ablation, which would involve a catheter inserted into an artery(which creeps me right out.) and mucking around.  He was very clear about what the surgery would entail, including a hospital stay.  I asked him again about the tests that had been run, but he didn't want to talk about it.  ???

Finally I asked him what he would recommend.  I just wanted his opinion, not for him to make up my mind for me.  This doctor shied away from that as well.  Which kind of pissed me off.  All I wanted was to know what he thought and what he would do as a measure of comparison for myself.  I am fully capable of making up my own mind, but I like to hear what other people have to say because it adds perspective.  I still make my own decisions, I just like to gather information.  So his refusal to give me that bothered me. 

My husband got upset because he thought that I had already made a decision to do the surgery.  I had told the doctor that I needed some time to think about it, and he was okay about that.  A plus in that column.  So I have a month to decide. 

Part of me wants to do the procedure because then I won't have to worry about it anymore.  It's scary when your heart is racing so fast and you are so weak because of it.  Another part of me wants to just keep on doing what I am doing with my medicines.  A third part of me wants to just bury my head under my pillow and hope it goes away. 

It didn't help that when I got home and took a nap I had a horrible nightmare.  I was getting out of my car to go into my house, which in the dream was on the site where the Heart and Vascular Institute is, but were townhouses instead of medical offices.  As I look to the south I see a wave of fire rolling toward us.  Larry is standing on the other side of the car, and he is completely incinerated while I watch.  I turn and look toward my house, and the front door is open and my son Zane is running toward his Mama, and he is incinerated as I watch.  The wave of fire just rolls on, and destroys everything around me, but not me.  I finally was able to wake myself up, but I am still feeling the dread and the horror and the intense sadness about that dream and trying to think of what it might mean.

So I have three choices and I need to be smart about it and gather all the information I can to make a good choice.  Any comments or advice would be helpful. 

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