I Will Never Force My Son To Take Me to Lunch

A couple of months ago there was a story on the internet about a woman from Michigan who makes her six year old son take her on a dinner date.  The mother described how her six year old earns money doing chores, and he pays to take his mother out once a month.  This sweet little boy holds the door for his mom, holds her chair, and asks her about her day, per his mother's instruction. Her reason for doing this, she explains, is so that he can learn "how to treat a lady, and how to take her out on a proper date".

I read this story, and it bothered me. It bothered me even more that there were lots of comments from women about how this was such a great idea.  Yes, it is a great idea to force your small child to take you to dinner and spend the money he earned without regard as to whether there was any other item he would have preferred to save his money for. 

I don't have a problem with this young man learning about money, tipping, and other life skills.  Every kid should learn such things, since they will need those skills as adults. Every parent should be teaching their children those concepts. However, that this little boy is essentially forced to take his mother out to dinner so he can learn how to treat a lady.  Never mind that no self-respecting lady ever demands to be taken out anywhere.

What is this boy actually learning about women here?  He is learning that if he wants female companionship, he has to pay. 

I am a feminist.  I believe that women and men are equals, and should have the same opportunities and challenges. I remember the time before women began demanding equal rights. I do not want to go back. Yes, it is nice for a man to be polite and hold the door open for a lady, but you know what is even better?  Holding the door open for another human being, regardless of their gender.  I grew up believing that a woman didn't need a man to feed or pamper her. A woman can take the initiative and ask a man out on a date herself.  And if she does?  She pays for the meal, or they split the check.  Equality.  

Because when the man always pays, there's an expectation of some sort of required reciprocation. It may not be intentional, but it is there.  Many men think that women owe them "something" for buying them dinner, or at least they used to. That expectation is so established in our culture that movies and television regularly depict men demanding kisses, or worse, at the end of a date.

And who could blame them for being confused?  Men have had such transactional relationships with women for centuries.  We were seen as property.  The entire institution of marriage used to involve a father selling his daughter off to the highest bidder in exchange for a couple of cows and three goats.  Women who tried to be independent usually ended up disowned by their families, forced to marry, or burned at the stake.  Thankfully, that is no longer the case, at least not here in the United States.

My son is learning manners.  He is learning to be polite to everyone.  I want him to treat all people kindly and equally.  I want Zane to understand that just because he does something nice for another person does not mean that that person "owes" him anything.  There is no quid pro quo in friendship.  I do not want my child to grow up believing that he is obligated to buy a woman anything in order to have a friendship with her. 

Many women fought tooth and nail over the years to get us where we are now. We have earned the right to be seen as equals, to pay our own way.  So why would I force my male progeny to use his hard earned money to reinforce the stereotype that the man is supposed to pay for a meal?  If he chooses to buy me lunch, that's great.  I'm always happy to share a meal.  But I'm not going to demand such treatment and disguise it as teaching my son "manners".  

Besides, I can buy my own lunch.   

A to Z: Culture Shock

Culturally, the United States is one big mess.  It comes from all the different people who have become Americans over the years.  Each group had their own customs, their own foods, their own holidays, and Lord knows what else. While some people left those things to forge a new culture of their own, other groups cling to what are quaintly called the "Old ways".  

As a modern woman, I have expectations about how I should be treated.  Nothing fancy.  I don't expect to be treated like the Queen, lest I get all gung-ho and start shouting for the lopping off of heads.  I do expect to be treated with respect and dignity, because that is how I try to treat everyone else.

But sometimes it is difficult.

My brother was driving me home a few weeks ago, and he had to stop at the home of a soccer coach he knew.  The man greeted me warmly, got me a beer, told me that his wife would be home soon...and left me to sit in the kitchen.  He took my brother outside, where they opened beers of their own and sat.  I could hear their conversation from my own seat...in the kitchen. 

By myself. 

I used my time to contemplate the situation.  I am not ashamed to say that I went through a few stages.  The "WTF?" stage, where I sat there a few seconds and said "WTF?" to myself. (I try not to curse anymore since I became MOM, so I just say the initials.)  Then I got a little angry. Just like nobody puts Baby in a corner, nobody puts me in a kitchen.  An angry woman in a room full of knives is never a good survival strategy.

I felt a little stupid, because I was sitting in a strange kitchen talking to myself.  I finally pictured the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation, saying that "Resistance is futile," and I laughed.  The house I was in belonged to people who practiced the "old ways", where women and men had expected roles to play.  I would be a poor guest to disrespect their culture, no matter how archaic I found it.  If being respectful meant I needed to sit in the kitchen and drink my beer, so be it.  It was quiet in there, I could play Words with Friends on my phone, and I had beer. And when the wife finally came home, she cooked me enchiladas and fussed over me like I was kin. 

Some of the "old ways" are pretty darn cool.